


stop being mean to me or i swear to god im gonna fall in love with you

by rainydayscribbles



Series: alternatively, madness [1]
Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Aged up characters, Angst, Banter, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Slow Burn, Tons of pining, but theres tension, devis pov, did i mention tons of pining, not sure what the word count will be, past relationship, rated e for language, tags will be updated as fic progresses, theyre roommates, what else would there be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:27:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainydayscribbles/pseuds/rainydayscribbles
Summary: Devi Vishwakumar and Ben Gross dated for a year their senior year of high school. Then, they parted ways to go to college. Now, they're roommates. What's the worst that could happen?
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Series: alternatively, madness [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1894261
Comments: 122
Kudos: 201





	1. no part of this conversation is making me wanna boil over with rage

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyyyy guys. so basically this fic is inspired from the concept of "new girl" . i wanted to write a fic with eve, fab, el, devi, ben, and oliver all living in the same loft, but the dynamic of six people is DIFFICULT to write, and so here we have this instead. things to note: 
> 
> 1) this isnt an AU, but they do have history from high school so theyre kinda figuring that out. i made them go to diff colleges bc i feel like that would be most in canon  
> 2) although this fic was inspired from the concept of new girl, it obviously takes a diff turn since they are not complete strangers  
> 3) update schedule will prolly be relatively messed up bc i am super busy helping out around the house and taking care of da fam so we shall see how this goes
> 
> i am not sure how much i even like this idea so if you enjoyed it and want to see more let me know!
> 
> work title chapter titles are nick miller quotes from new girl!

Devi was looking through various ads on Craigslist in her 5-minute break from surgery. She needed a place to stay, especially as soon as possible, because she was supposed to move out of her previous apartment within the month. And she didn't have time at home to look, so she used what time she had, even if that was in the middle of observing what was turning out to be a very long surgery. But finding an apartment in L.A. that fit her price range was like searching for a needle in a haystack. In fact, finding a needle in a haystack might just be easier.

She is scrolling through the ads when her finger stops on an apartment. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen. Perfect for what she needed. She clicks on the ad and stares at the name of the person who posted it.

 _No fucking way_.

Sighing, she leans her head back against the hospital wall. The universe loved ruining her life, it seemed.

Before she could change her mind, she presses the phone icon and listens to the unmistakable ringing of an outgoing call. She is just about to press the red button to end the call when she hears the ringing stop.

"Hello, it's Ben Gross." Devi internally curses herself. This was a _shit_ idea. Literally, one of the worst she had ever made. And she had made some pretty bad ones. Why would she do this to herself? Her track record of bad ideas was supposed to have stopped in college.

"Hello? Who is this?"

Devi shakes herself out of internal self-deprecating monologue, bites her tongue, and opens her mouth.

"This is Devi. Devi Vishwakumar. Um, I was calling about your ad on Craigslist? You need a roommate."

There's a long pause and Devi closes her eyes, not sure if she can deal with the response from her former arch-nemesis.

" _David?_ " Ben's voice is soft, and him using her childhood nickname shocks her enough to open her eyes, and almost smile.

"Yeah."

Another long pause.

"You want to talk about this over the phone? No way. Let's get coffee. Are you free today?"

 _After a 12 hour shift, sure,_ Devi thinks to herself. It sounded like the best way to top off a day of hard work. Coffee with Ben Gross. Who she hadn't seen in years.

"Sure, Gross. I'll text you," Devi hangs up, not bothering to wait to hear his goodbye.

* * *

Devi pulls up to the place Ben wanted to meet her (Avalon Coffee, a place she never went to because of how expensive their drinks were) a little earlier than 8 pm that same day. It strikes her that this is the most inconvenient time to drink coffee, probably for both of them, but she can't really bring herself to think further on that point as she shakes with nerves. She wasn't even sure why she was nervous. To be fair, this _was_ a shit situation she had found herself in: asking to move in with her former nemesis, but it's not like she had a choice. Most of the other available apartments in L.A. were out of her price range. Yes, she was studying to be a doctor, but she wasn't one _yet_. And residents were not only treated terribly but paid in the same way too. Besides, she'd been trying to find an apartment for a few weeks now, ever since she'd gotten her eviction notice, and she had visited many apartments. And met _many_ different people. Ben struck her as one of the most normal people she'd met, at least if he hadn't changed, that is.

Devi is brought out of her thoughts by a knocking on her car window. She looks up to see Ben Gross's smug face, waving at her. _Fuck_ , she curses to herself. Hurriedly, she gathers up her things and all but _jumps_ out of her car. As soon as she runs to the other side to greet him, though, her words stop short in her throat.

Ben Gross looked _different_. Obviously, he would, because he was older now, but she never thought she would see the adult version of him, ever. Not after high school graduation where she gave him a Princeton hat and he gave her a Yale hat, each going to different schools. What they had in high school was teenage love, simple and untouched, and now this was real life, and Devi wasn't sure how to cope with her emotions. For a second she wishes she was back in senior year, where she and Ben spent virtually every minute together, cherishing the time they had together (after she had come to her senses and asked him out), and before they would leave for separate colleges, and inevitably break up.

"David," Ben says, softly, subtly scanning his eyes over her, but the warmth with which he said the nickname stood in stark contrast to his pompous smirk, hands in his pockets, and his (probably Gucci or Prada) work suit.

Devi, still in her scrubs from work, hair messy from a 12-hour shift, felt like this was the worst possible way to run into Ben Gross in adulthood.

"Hey Ben," she manages. "Long time no see." Devi resists the urge to get back in her car and crash it because that line was the dumbest thing she could have come up with. She was a _resident_ , for God's sake, well on her way to becoming a doctor. Who the hell actually says _long time no see_?

Luckily, Ben lets out a small laugh. "That's one way to put it. Come on, let's go order."

Devi internally groans and follows him inside, attributing her terrible conversational skills to tiredness from her shift, certainly _not_ the charismatic effects of a particular Ben Gross.

* * *

Ben shifts in his seat, legs crossed, casually drinking his coffee. "So, what an interesting situation we've found ourselves in."

Devi rolls her eyes. "Look, Gross, I know it's not ideal, but I'm open to answering whatever questions you need me to for you to seriously consider this."

"Well, _David_ , we can start with why you need to move into _my_ apartment," Ben responds, and although his words were smug, there was a hint of genuine curiosity behind them.

Devi pauses, thinking about whether to lie or not. She decides to be honest. "I got an eviction notice about a month ago. I've looked for a place to live for the past few weeks and haven't met people I think I could live with."

"Okay. So what makes you think you could live with me?"

Devi gulps. She wasn't sure how to answer this question, honestly. She hadn't really kept in contact with Ben after high school, and she had no idea how he'd changed, or if he ever had.

"Please, Gross. If you haven't changed from high school, which it looks like you haven't, you're lonely as hell in your apartment. Having me there would be a delight." So maybe _not_ the nicest thing to say to her potential future roommate.

"I'll have you know there are _many_ bodies that enter and leave my apartment. Especially on weekends during the hours of 10 pm and 2 am," Ben says, waggling his eyebrows at her.

"That's gross, Gross. You can do whatever you want to do, as long as you are quiet and out of my face when I get home."

"Hmmmmm. So what else? Any habits of yours I need to know about?"

Devi narrows her eyes. "I drink occasionally, but nothing else. I'm usually gone by 7 in the morning and back at 8 or 9 at night. You'll literally never see me, Gross. And this is just temporary till I find a different place." Devi added on the last part as an afterthought, but if she was being honest, she was tired of looking for places. If living with Ben worked out, she was planning on just staying there for the rest of the year. Her residency would be over within the year anyway, so it was really only three to four more months. She could handle that, surely.

"Okay, David. You passed my test, but only barely, I might add. I would ask you more questions, but you haven't changed all that much from high school either, it seems," Ben quips, smirking at her over his coffee cup. "Welcome to your second time living with me."

Devi throws her napkin at him.

* * *

El and Fab helped her move in, obviously.

"Devi, are you sure you don't want to live with Eve and me? We honestly don't mind if you want to stay with us for a little," Fab questions, eyes wide, walking up the stairs to Devi's new place.

Eve and Fab had gotten married last year, and now they lived in L.A., with Fab working at Apple in some fancy tech job and Eve working as a self-based painter. Devi had considered living with them, but they were still relatively newlyweds, and even though Fab was one of her closest friends, she did not want to crash what would probably be one of the most cherished years of their lives. Plus, Devi wasn't in high school or even college anymore, where it would've been more acceptable to crash at a friend's house. _Then what are you doing right now?_ her brain asked. She pushed that thought away.

"No, Fab. I really appreciate it, I _do_ , but I want my own place. And I want you and Eve to have your own time. You guys deserve it," Devi says, smiling in what she hopes is a supportive way.

Fab looks unconvinced, but nods, pushing open the door to Devi's (and Ben's) apartment. Thankfully, Ben was out running errands, but he'd given Devi her keys earlier, so she was going to make use of the time she had to get her stuff in order.

"It is just so sad you have to live with Ben Gross, out of all people," Eleanor all but _moans_ , eyes scanning the apartment distastefully. "If I wasn't traveling around the country for my _Aladdin_ production these next few months, we could have totally found a place together."

El was a flourishing young actress, and straight out of high school had accepted an offer on Broadway. After a few years, she had wanted to see more of the country, and she currently traveled with a company, performing in shows nationwide. While Devi was happy for her friend, she knew her schedule was unreliable, and that she wasn't looking to settle down in one place anytime soon.

"It's really fine, El. It just means a lot you guys made time to help me with this. I know how busy you guys are," Devi insists, smiling at her friends.

The rest of the day passes quickly, with the three girls working together efficiently to move Devi in. Devi says her goodbyes and collapses on the couch in the center of the apartment. She just closed her eyes when she hears a loud _bang_ and her eyes fly open.

"Hey, David!" Ben exclaims, hands full of bags, but still looking infinitely happier to see Devi than she does to see him. "Come help me with these bags, will you?"

Devi grumbles, but gets up and pads over to him, taking boxes and cans out of bags and placing them on the small island.

"So, it looks like you got all your stuff in here pretty quickly. You just that excited to live with me?" Ben asks, smirking as he puts away the things she removes from bags.

"No, Gross. I just wanted to be done so you didn't have a chance to get your nasty hands on my things." The main thing being his Yale hat, which she still had. She couldn't bring herself to throw it away in college, and afterwards, it felt dumb to get rid of it after keeping it for so long.

Ben laughs. "Okay, Devi, whatever you say. What do you want for dinner?"

Devi gulps. She hadn't been expecting him to just take this whole thing so calmly. She really wanted to run to her room and just collapse in her bed, wallowing in her inner turmoil about what a bad idea this was, but she knew she was expected to at least help make dinner.

"Whatever you want. Maybe some pasta?"

Ben and Devi quickly make some spaghetti for dinner, each working around the other with relatively few spoken words. Devi can't help but feel the intimacy of this whole situation: sharing an apartment, helping with groceries, making dinner together. Her stomach tightens with worry as she thinks about how this could only get worse. Yes, she was impulsive, so she didn't really think it through when she had called him asking about the apartment, but she also didn't have another choice, did she? She had looked for weeks and this was the only thing she'd found that had potential. _Potential to screw her over_ , more like.

Ben sets the table while Devi carries the dishes, and they both sit down to eat. Devi avoids making eye contact with Ben, but when her curiosity gets the best of her, she sneaks a glance at him, and he looks just as nervous as her, fingers playing with his fork, jaw tight, eyes scanning his plate.

"So, this was a bad idea, right? I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have pressured you into this. I can move out if you feel like this isn't going to work," Devi begins, forcing herself to look at Ben.

Ben stares at her, gaze inscrutable, which she hates. Devi is just about to say something else when he speaks.

"No, it's fine. It's weird, that's for sure, but it's fine." His voice is soft, and Devi is half tempted to reach for his hand, but she schools herself into simply nodding and turning back to her pasta.

This was going to be a hell of a few months, that's for sure.


	2. you’re a terrible person. it’s hilarious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! im back with another chapter. my update schedule will be all over the place but i am determined to finish this fic and do this idea justice. that being said ive been in a little bit of a writers block for a few days so this was a struggle to get through, so i hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> ps the ending is inspired by the scene in new girl where nick pretends to be gay when jess has a guy over (one of my fav scenes)

The first week living with Ben passed relatively quickly. Devi noticed that Ben often got back from work a lot earlier than her, but was still working on stuff for work when she got back, which was something she had grown to admire. He was an immigration attorney and while the attorney portion of that didn’t surprise her, the immigration part definitely did. Devi always thought he’d do something more like his father, who was an entertainment attorney, but Ben seemed to have diverged from what was expected of him. As much as Devi respected that, she didn’t really know the details of what he did. Most days when she came home, she usually just helped make dinner or passed out on her bed, so she didn’t have much time to make conversation with Ben, which she wasn’t too torn up about. Or so she told herself.

That Saturday, Devi was awoken at ( _what felt like_ ) the crack of dawn by T-Pain blasting through their apartment and paint fumes wafting through the air. She groans and stuffs her head under her pillow, but the music only seemed to get louder somehow. Sighing, she trudges into her bathroom, brushes her teeth, and pads out of her room, still in a tank top and shorts from the night.

“Hey David!” Ben says, wearing an old frat t-shirt, jeans, and a grin that was entirely too big for 7 am. Devi briefly wonders why he always looks so happy to see her, but she rules that he just seems excited to annoy her.

“Hi Ben,” Devi mutters, moving to the kitchen and pouring herself a cup of coffee.

“So listen, I was thinking we could paint our living room today. You’re not doing anything right?” Ben asks, pausing from his work to look at Devi.

Devi glares. “Well, I was _planning_ on sleeping. You know, before you decided to wake me up with your insanely loud music.”

Ben continues to grin at her, unfazed. “It’s a crime to play T-Pain quietly. Anyway, this is great! With the two of us working together, we can finish this so much faster. All those group projects won’t be for nothing.” Devi thought about the last time they’d worked together, which was at Model UN sophomore year, and internally giggled.

“Not if the fumes from your stupid paint make me pass out.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Just go change into something you don’t mind getting dirty. Which for you would be everything in your closet because you dress like a troll.”

“I have to wear scrubs for _work_ , Ben. I’m sorry if I come home from a 12 hour shift and don’t want to get ready for the Met Gala. I really am,” Devi quips back, sarcasm lining her words.

“Please, David. As if _you’d_ ever be invited to the Met Gala.” 

Devi resists the urge to crush Ben’s skill between her fingers and instead focuses on taking another sip of coffee, savoring its comforting taste. “You’re doing a really bad job at persuading me to help you right now.”

Ben sighs and puts his hands together in a mock-begging motion. “Fine, Devi. Please help me with what I’m _sure_ are some impressive painting skills-I remember your self portrait from 8th grade, you know-so we can finish this as soon as possible.” 

Devi raises her eyebrow. 

“We can order in takeout afterwards.” 

Devi pauses for dramatic effect, but sighs, and goes back to her room to change. She pulls on worn denim overalls over her tank top and ties her hair up, taking as long as she possibly can, trying to shorten the amount of time she has to paint with Ben. She tries to understand why she doesn’t want to be in his presence. She remembers their history from senior year, and their breakup, which was mutual, but messy. They hadn’t spoken since college, but the second they saw each other, they had fallen back in the exact same habits they had from childhood: poking fun at each other to the fullest extent. Their dynamic had always been based on comfort-each knowing the other extremely well, including their strengths and weaknesses. But now, Devi isn’t sure if the comfort is something she loves or hates. And that's why she vows to keep her distance.

The music gets louder-this time, undeniably-and Devi, deciding it’s been long enough, trudges back to the living room.

“That sure took you a while. And you barely look different,” Ben quips, pausing his painting to dip his brush in the tray.

“You should never complain about the amount of time a woman takes to get ready, Gross,” Devi says back, picking up a brush and a tray.

“I can when it’s obvious you took as long as possible to avoid helping me paint.” 

“Forgive me if my favorite way to spend a Saturday morning isn’t listening to frat boy music and inhaling paint fumes,” Devi retorts, starting to paint a side of the wall despite her indignant words.

“Well, David, as a _fellow_ resident of this apartment, I expect you to contribute to its beautification efforts,” Ben says, smiling at her. 

Devi resists the urge to roll her eyes. It was a nice apartment, but the way Ben praised it made her want to throw up. As if he himself had built it from the ground up.

“Painting our small ass living room blue should hardly be considered a beautification effort, Gross.”

“The beauty in our apartment has to come from somewhere _other_ than my smile. I know it does a lot, but it can’t carry it all on its back,” Ben pauses from his painting to look at her, the aforementioned smile directed at her in its fullest force.

Devi actually rolls her eyes this time, but she can’t deny that his comment was true. Ben had a gorgeous smile and they both knew it. She had complimented him on it multiple times when they dated, mainly because every time she did, he smiled. She internally hopes he doesn’t remember that, but by the way he is looking at her, she feels like he does indeed remember.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Gross.” 

“Only 20 feet away from you, Vishwakumar,” Ben quips back, winking at her.

Devi glares at him and continues painting.

They finish painting quickly, working towards the same strip of wall, each in their own world of thoughts despite the heavy rap music playing in the background. Although the music did make Devi feel like she was in a frat basement once again, it was more comforting this time than it was in college, more nostalgic, and the easy, companionable silence between them felt normal. Devi tries not to focus on the implications of this shared normalcy, distracting herself with painting as perfectly as possible.

As Ben nears the end of his strip, he switches out their bigger paintbrushes for much smaller, thinner ones so they can do touch ups on the places they originally missed. Devi, still a tad ruffled that she hadn’t been able to come up with an adequate response to his earlier comment, looks down at her paintbrush and knows exactly what she has to do.

She dips her smaller brush in the blue paint and swipes it across the side of Ben’s face.

“ _David!_ Are you fucking kidding me?” Ben turns around, eyes wide, but Devi sees the start of a smile forming on his face and giggles.

“Oh, you are _so_ not gonna win this,” Ben says, dunking his paintbrush in the can, then walking towards Devi. 

Devi backs up slowly, about to run if needed, until Ben lunges forward and she turns around to run. Unfortunately, she’s met with the wall, having went in the wrong direction in her haste, and she has just a second to process this until she feels an arm wrap around her waist from behind and paint on her face.

“ _No!_ Ben!” Devi says, trying to dart out of his grasp, but he just tightens his grip on her and continues painting all parts of her he can reach: her face, her arms, her neck. She squeals and tries to move her face away from his reach, but her attempts are futile, with his grip being too strong. She briefly wonders if she should stop trying to get away and just let Ben hold her, but quickly dismisses that thought. 

Thankfully, Ben lets go of her then, and she whirls around, furious. 

“Damn, Devi. Feeling a little _blue_ , are you?” Ben says, simpering at her. 

She breathes hard, chest rising and falling rapidly, before walking over to the paint can and dipping her brush in it. She ignores the way some of it falls onto their wood floor before stalking back over to Ben. He stares at her, arms crossed over his chest, smirking. She stares back, unable to think of a place to paint him that’ll make him sufficiently mad. 

Devi glowers at him instead, and swipes her paintbrush over his clothes. She darts her eyes back to the expression at his face, and when she sees it hasn’t changed at all, she throws up her middle finger and stalks back to her room, shutting the door and sliding down it. 

“Those were $200 jeans, Devi,” she hears him call through the door, amusement lining his voice. Devi closes her eyes and hits her head against the door, relishing in the pain which distracts her from her swirling internal thoughts. Specifically why she enjoyed a childish paint fight with Ben Gross so much.

* * *

Devi spends as long as she can in the shower, washing her hair and the paint off her body, before she goes into her room to change. As she is scrunching the water out of her curls, she smells the unmistakable scent of Chinese food. She pulls on comfortable shorts and a Princeton sweatshirt and emerges from her room, trying not to think about how much Chinese food she had eaten in college. Enough for it alone to practically sustain her. _Did Ben know that?_ She quickly dismisses that. There's no way he could have.

Ben looks up from removing takeout boxes out of a bag and smirks at her. He’s dressed in a Yale sweatshirt with sweatpants. Devi tries to ignore the similarities between their outfits, attributing it to their shared desire for comfort, but something in it rings the bell in the back of her head, reminding her of senior year, of shared sweatshirts and matching hats and shy touches and subtle laughs and everything and nothing all at once. 

“Hey, Gross. Gross sweatshirt. Thanks for buying dinner, though.” 

Ben smiles, and Devi forces herself to look away so she doesn’t drown in his smile and its power. This was getting ridiculous. _Living with your ex is never a good idea_ , she tells herself. Then, immediately after, _just make it through the next three months_. Focusing on that second thought, she busies herself with taking boxes out and sits down across from Ben.

“Not nearly as disgusting as yours, David,” Ben retorts, but Devi can tell it’s halfhearted. She just shakes her head and starts placing food on her plate. He replicates her movements and the same tension that was there a week ago suddenly returns, pushing and shoving its way into the air separating them. Devi tries to tell herself she’s imagining it but when she notices the slight shake of Ben’s hands, she knows she’s not.

“So, Gross. How was work this week?” Devi asks, surprising Ben, who looks up from his food, eyes wide, and herself as well in the process.

Ben finishes chewing and swallows. “It was good. A little stressful, honestly. I have a bunch of new cases I need to look through after dinner. What about you?” 

“It was fine. Draining. I just spend most of my time observing and taking notes on surgery. I'm pretty ready to be done with residency. It’s killing me.” 

Ben nods at her. “You’ll be done soon, though right?”

Devi looks up. “Yeah, just a few more months. By the end of this year I’ll be able to practice. Finally.” 

Ben smiles at her. “Well if anyone can get through it, it’s you.” 

Devi smiles softly before taking another bite of her food.

“And when you _do_ get to practice, you’re going to be amazing. I’m never coming to you, though. You’d try to kill me with a knife or something.”

* * *

Devi discovers that Ben isn’t lying when he says he’s busy with work. She doesn’t see much of him the next few weeks, and before she knows it, it’s been a month since she’s been living with him. She decides to reward herself for this small victory (living a month with Ben without doing something she would regret for life) by grabbing drinks with Fab and El, the night before El has to leave for her nationwide tour of _Aladdin_.

“How’s work going for you guys?” Devi asks, leaning back against a booth in Justin’s-one of their favorite L.A. bars. 

“It’s going pretty well,” Fab starts enthusiastically, swirling her drink in her glass. “We are working on a new microchip that has improved security capabilities, along with a better functioning processor for iPhones. It isolates important data so it protects your device in case of it becoming compromised. Super cool technology. ” 

“That sounds dope, Fab,” Devi says politely, although she wasn’t quite sure she understood 100% of Fab’s excited tech lingo. Or even 50%, if she was being honest with herself.

“That’s really cool,” El says, pausing to sip her drink. “As for me, I’m nervous for tomorrow, but I know I’ve done this before a thousand times. I keep telling myself it’s going to be fine, because nothing can be as good as my _Twelfth Night_ production. Or as bad as my _Crucible_ production. _Good times and bad times……I’ve seen them all…..but I'm still here_.” 

Devi smiles endearingly at her friend. “You got this, El. You will do amazing in _Aladdin._ Fab and I will be cheering you on the whole time, just remember that.” 

The girls talk a little more, talking about their lives and goals, and mutual friends, until the topic Devi was determined to avoid comes up.

“So, Devi, how’s living with Ben? It has to be somewhat weird right? I mean considering your elaborate history,” El asks, leaning in conspiratorially.

Devi tries to smile nonchalantly, a nervous beating in her chest suddenly amplified. She decides to keep her response short and simple.

“It’s alright. I don’t really see him much.” 

“Do you _want_ to see him more?” Fab asks, smirking softly.

“No. I want to see him as little as possible and I do right now and it’s great.” Devi tries to keep the edge out of her voice, but she can’t help it with the way Fab and El are looking at her. Living with Ben is fine, it’s _just_ fine.

Devi watches El and Fab glance at each other and she is suddenly hit with memories of high school, when they’d do the exact same thing right before telling her something she didn't want to hear.

“Devi,” El begins, reaching out for her hand. “Are you sure you’re doing okay? I mean, you guys were pretty serious senior year, and then you broke up to go to different colleges, and now you live with him. There has to be some tension.” 

“Yeah, Devi,” Fab nods, leaning towards her slightly. “I mean, it’s weird for anyone to live with their ex. But you and Ben are something else. You are literally the only two in the whole world who understand the other.” 

Devi looks at her friends, and she decides to be honest. These are her girls. She can’t lie to them.

“I don’t know if I'm okay, to be honest. Sometimes I think he feels something more, you know? But I don’t know if I even want him to.”

Fab and El nod, ever the supportive and understanding friends.

“It’s only a few more months. Surely you can make it through that?” El says, smiling at her gently.

Devi nods, before looking down to focus on her drink.

“But, Devi?” Fab questions. “Don’t lie to yourself, okay?”

Devi looks up, bites her lip, and nods. 

* * *

Devi walks back into her apartment that night, mind swirling with thoughts. She is so caught up in Fab and El’s words and her emotions which might or might not be there that she runs into a soft figure as soon as she walks in the door.

Devi looks up, ready to cuss Ben out, but is instead met with a short, blonde woman, who is wearing a frat t-shirt (which Devi’s brain _helpfully_ reminds her is Ben’s). And by the looks of it, nothing else. 

“Oh! Um, hi,” Devi says, in an effort to diffuse the awkwardness.

The girl stares at her unblinkingly for a split second before the emotion on her face morphs into disgust. “Who are you, exactly?”

Devi hardens, despite her efforts to remain nonchalant. “I’m Devi. I live here.”

“ _Devi_? Ben told me he lived with someone named _David_!” the girl exclaims, anger starting to line her face. 

Devi resists the urge to laugh in the girl’s face, but a small grin edges its way onto her lips regardless. “He just calls me that; it’s a joke between us.”

The girl looks furious now, and stomps back into Ben’s room, muttering about _cheating_ and _stupid boys_ and _lying_ and other things that Devi can’t really make out. Devi turns to pour herself a glass of water, trying her hardest not to smile, when the girl emerges and leaves the apartment, slamming the door. 

Devi takes a sip from her water, staring at the closed door, when she hears Ben’s door open and a heavy sigh. She doesn’t turn around, but hears his footsteps and suddenly feels Ben’s forearm resting on her shoulder. She can immediately can tell he’s shirtless and her peripheral vision tells her he’s not wearing anything but his boxers. Although the implications of this are 100% clear in Devi’s mind, she feels an odd sense of pride that she’s Ben’s roommate, not any other woman. He’s leaning on _her_ right now. _That has to mean something, right?_

“I’m sorry she yelled at you,” Ben sighs, staring at the slammed door. “You didn’t deserve it.”

“I didn’t, Gross. I’m an overworked, underpaid resident, and I already get yelled at enough at work,” Devi responds, pausing to sip her water. “But it’s alright. Just don’t lie to any other girls you sleep with."

“Look, it’s hard to find women who want to sleep with you when they find out you have a roommate who’s a woman. Especially one who’s straight,” Ben says, moving his arm off her shoulder and turning to face her instead. Devi tells herself she doesn’t miss the slight, comforting weight of his arm, because that would be _insanely_ dumb.

“If you had game, Gross, it wouldn’t matter if you lived with a thousand women,” Devi turns to face him as well, making sure to keep her gaze on his face. 

Ben raises an eyebrow. “I do have game. But, come on, can I please tell them you’re gay or something? It would make my job easier.”

Devi crosses her arms. “If you told them I was gay, Gross, they’d want to sleep with me, not you. Between the two of us, it’s obvious who the better fuck would be.” 

Ben’s eyes widen as he splutters and Devi turns her back on him, walking into her room and smirking to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading! pls leave a comment to make me smile


	3. life sucks. and then it gets better. and then it sucks again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! hope you enjoy this chapter full of flashbacks and angst and emotions :))) the convo ben and devi have is loosely based on a convo i had with one of my closest friends at my own graduation. graduation rlly be bringing all the feels out is all i gotta say
> 
> i wrote this today and barely edited it so i apologize if you see any issues w it! do lmk tho!
> 
> ps spoilers from the movie knives out are included
> 
> also i realized my chapter titles were super boring so now they are nick miller quotes bc i love the man more than i should

Devi resolves that she needs to go on a date. Not because living with Ben is confusing her. Or because she wants to prove that she can be with people too. Certainly not because she is jealous of the girls Ben brings home. She just needs to go on a date. It's been way too long, embarrassingly long, really.

Unfortunately, dating as a resident was nothing short of walking through hell. Not only was it difficult to find time to go on a date with a demanding work week, but most people who weren't residents also didn't understand the value of free time, and wasted Devi's precious minutes she had with shallow talk about hobbies and interests. But, Devi was nothing short of an overachiever, so she was going to do it all, sleep be damned.

So, that's how the found herself chugging a cup of coffee while simultaneously putting on blush after a week of long, hard work. She was meeting a fellow resident for drinks at a local bar, and while she was well aware of the harmful effects of mixing caffeine with alcohol, just because she was studying to become a doctor didn't mean she had to take care of _herself_ , right? The job description was taking care of _other_ people. She'd be fine.

Devi pulls on a simple but flattering pair of black jeans and a white tank top, deciding not to go too fancy. It was just drinks. Something inside her tells her she cares more about Ben seeing her than her date, and she pushes that horrific thought away as soon as it comes. She takes a final look in the mirror and nods to herself before grabbing her purse and trying to leave as quickly as possible, trying to avoid Ben. Yes, definitely trying to _avoid_ Ben.

Unluckily (or luckily, she wasn't sure) for her, Ben was making dinner in the kitchen. And it smelled _really_ good. Her stomach grumbles just the slightest bit, and she thought about the last time she'd eaten, which was a salad for lunch. 8 hours ago.

"Hey, David. Where are you going?" Ben pauses from stirring something in a pot to stare at her, eyes questioning. While his voice was light, his eyes were heavy and something inside Devi wanted to know why.

"I, um, am grabbing drinks with someone." _Not suspicious sounding at all_ , Devi thinks to herself.

"Like a date?" Ben asks, voice lined with a weary interest.

Devi darts her eyes downward, suddenly unable to look at Ben. "Yeah."

Something in his eyes changes for a split second, but before Devi can check to make sure, he schools himself back into a mask of nonchalant happiness. "That sounds fun. You should eat something before, though. Especially because you just had coffee. I made mac and cheese."

Devi is tempted to roll her eyes at his childish dish choice, but it smells so good she can't bring herself too. But while she is _really_ hungry, she knows the tension that seems to seep into the air every time Ben and she eat together. And she doesn't want that tension to stop her from doing something stupid. Like canceling her date.

"I mean, I'm not that hungry. I can eat after," Devi tries, tightening her grip on her purse.

"You really should eat now. Because you're going to get drinks, too. Just a little bit?" Ben insists, eyes bordering on the line between questioning and pleading.

Devi stares at him, and while she knows he's right, something in her is telling her to be strong, to walk away. No, to _run_ away from Ben Gross. So she compromises.

"I know. I'm running late though, so is it okay if I just take it in a container? I'll eat it on the way there."

Ben nods and sets about putting some of the pasta in a container for her. Devi awkwardly fumbles with her phone, pretending to recheck the bar location, but internally wondering why he cared so much about her eating habits. _Did other roommates do that?_ She decides to focus on potential conversation topics for her date instead.

Ben hands her the container, hands brushing hers slightly. Devi tries not to shudder at the warmth of his hands and smiles in thanks, turning to leave.

"Have fun, David," Ben calls after her, and Devi pushes her way out of the apartment before she ends up just staying, falling into the whirlpool of power that is Ben Gross.

* * *

Arriving at the bar, Devi takes a seat on a stool and asks for just some water. She's a little early for her date, but that was the result of nothing but her haste to get away from her apartment. And the man who made the mac and cheese that was suddenly very warm in her purse, resting against her hip.

Devi wasn't sure what exactly she felt regarding Ben Gross, which confused her. She spent long, grueling hours at work, and then coming home to Ben just felt… simple. Natural, even. They didn't talk that much at home on the weekdays but when they did on weekends, Devi didn't feel like she needed to put on a persona and act differently around him. She was just herself. Her smart, passionate, and granted, sometimes hard to deal with, self. And Ben was okay with that. He was more than okay with that, it seemed if the smile that took over his face every time he saw Devi said anything. Devi thinks about the last time she saw him smile that big.

_"You got into Princeton?" Ben asks, letter dropping from his hands as he rushes towards her._

_"Yes!" Devi squeals as he picks her up, twirling her around. She laughs as he continues spinning her, feeling like those girls in rom-com movies that she pretended to hate but secretly loved. In-person though, it felt a million times better than just watching it on screen._

_Ben gently sets her down and looks at her with his blue, expressive eyes, really looks at her, and Devi tries not to melt under his gaze._

_"I'm so happy for you." The fondness and pride with which he utters those words really do make Devi melt, and she pulls his face towards hers, sighing into the soft touch of his lips._

_Kissing Ben felt amazing no matter what they were doing, but knowing she just got into the university of her dreams made Devi feel as if she was on top of the world. The way he held her, one hand pressing into her hips, the other entangled in her hair, pulling slightly, was intoxicating. The feel of him against her, his body warring with hers, was something she never thought she could get tired of, or even wanted to get tired of. Ben and Devi kissed like the moon and the tide, constant pushing and pulling, each trying to win out the other, win over the other._

_He pulls away suddenly and Devi whines, chest rising up and down. As she observes Ben, his head down, jaw clenched, eyes nervous, she can tell that the conversation she was dreading was approaching rapidly._

_"What's wrong?" Devi starts, knowing full and well what was wrong. But she had never been the best at approaching problems directly, so she asked anyway._

_Ben looks at her, eyes brimming with ambivalence. "I'm happy for you, I really am. You're going to do amazing at Princeton. But sometimes I just wish we were going to the same place."_

_Devi sighs and sits down on the nearby couch. Ben had gotten his acceptance letter from Yale a week before her, and while seeing him in blue made her infinitely happy for him, she knew that the fact that is wasn't orange was going to bite them both later on._

_"I know. It would be stupid to stay together, though, right? I mean, long distance never works."_

_Ben pauses for a second to glance at her, then sits down next to her. "I don't know if it would be stupid. Plus, 3 hours is not the worst long distance ever."_

_"Well, it's not just that. We both are going to change in college. We'll make new friends and want to explore relationships. It would be hard to make time for us."_

_Ben looks a tad hurt. "You want to explore relationships? Like, with other people?"_

_Devi wasn't sure why she had said that, to be honest. She knew nothing about college except what she had heard from others, but she also knew it was one of those things you had to experience yourself. So she tried to keep herself open and honest._

_"I don't know. Maybe?" Devi curses to herself after, because no, she didn't want other people. She wanted Ben, just him, all of him. But distance scared her, so she pushed him away._

_Unfortunately for her, now Ben looks a lot more hurt. "So what you're telling me is that you don't even want to try in college? So all of senior year was for nothing?"_

_"It wasn't for nothing, Ben," Devi says, leaning towards him. "It meant a lot to me. I'm just saying that college is going to change us-"_

_"How much is it going to change you? You're not going to suddenly become a new person-"_

_"Maybe I will, you-"_

_"I can tell you for a fact that you are not going to change that-_

_"What if I want to change? I want to see if I can-"_

_"What the hell is that even supposed to mean? That-"_

_"You don't know me-"_

_"Yes, I fucking do, Devi!" Ben yells, standing up now. "I've known you for 12 fucking years. And I know that even if college does change you, you will still be the same Devi. The one who runs away from her feelings and things that scare her. And that's what you're doing right now, too. You're running. And I'm pretty damn tired of it."_

_Devi stands up too, arms crossed over her chest._

_"First of all, you don't get to throw my insecurities in my face, whether you're my boyfriend or my friend or a stranger. I know my habits aren't the best and I am trying to change them. But you have_ no _right to spit them back in my face. Second of all, I'm pretty damn tired of this. You might be tired of me running, but I'm fed up with all this false hope that things are going to be okay. We are going to different colleges, Ben. You have to accept that things in life change. We aren't fucking destined to be together or something. This isn't a fairytale." Devi spits the last part in his face, mad at herself for how harsh she was being, but madder at him for overstepping his boundaries._

_Ben looks shocked for a second, but then schools himself back, face full of restrained anger._

_"Of course this isn't a fairytale, Devi. How could I forget that anything with you is never what it seems?" His voice is shockingly calm and it chills Devi to her core, scaring her a lot more than the idea of a long-distance relationship._

Devi shakes herself gently out of her thoughts, staring at the faded wood of the bar, trying to blink back the tears that had appeared in her eyes. So maybe their breakup wasn't as mutual as she remembered it being. She had pushed the memory of it so far in her brain, so deep, unwilling to open it up for as long as she could. Now, it turned out she was the one who had pushed him away, as she had done with everything. She was suddenly ashamed of herself. Ashamed of her words, her actions, even her thoughts. Sure, Ben had overstepped, but she had taken it pretty damn far too. It made sense he didn't talk to her till a few months later at graduation. The memory of graduation floats back to Devi, and against her better judgment, replays in her mind.

_Devi had just finished taking pictures with Eleanor and Fabiola, and graduation was wrapping to a close. They had covered all the basic graduation poses-throwing caps in the air, holding their diplomas, hugging each other. Nalini was taking their pictures, but she steps away to talk to El and Fab's mothers while Devi excuses herself to go find water._

_She walks out from the convention center in which their graduation was held, and onto the street nearby, basking in the warm California sun, slowly setting. She was glad she'd chosen a dress over palazzo pants and a top because the combined heat of the sun and her cap and gown were making her sweaty as hell. Holding her Princeton hat in one hand (her mom had given it to her right after she had walked across the stage), and her phone in another, she finds a food truck and pays the overpriced amount for a bottle of ice-cold water. Walking up a set of concrete stairs, she finds a stair near the top and sits down, daintily crossing her legs. She takes a sip of her water, careful not to spill it on her white dress. She looks out over the small dark blue specks, people, graduates like her, walking around, congratulating each other, hugging and kissing family members._

_A few minutes later, she hears footsteps coming down the stairs, and moves slightly out of the way, to let the person pass. However, the footsteps stop, and Devi spots another dark blue cap and gown sitting down barely a foot away from her, on her same stair. Immediately, she can tell who it is but forces herself to not turn towards him, or even acknowledge him._

_Neither of them says anything for a few minutes, each surreptitiously glancing at the other, but trying to exude an aura of nonchalance. Ben breaks the tension, and Devi counts that as a win for her._

_"So, um, congrats on salutatorian."_

_Principal Grubbs had pulled Devi and Ben into her office a few weeks earlier, to tell them that Ben was valedictorian and Devi would be salutatorian. Devi had seen her principal visibly brace herself for the upcoming showdown, but Devi had been so bothered by the thought of being close to Ben for much longer that she simply had nodded, listened to the further directions about speeches and other stupid things, and turned to leave the room as soon as she could._

_Devi knows she should probably give Ben a response, but she can't bring herself to say anything, so she just nods slightly and takes a sip of her water. He was watching her out of the corner of his eye. He'd see her._

_"It's so crazy graduation is here. I still can't believe that just happened."_

_Devi fights the emotions that arise in her chest at the sound of his voice, not having heard it directed at her in so long, and instead forces a response out of her throat._

_"Me neither."_

_She can see Ben visibly sit up straighter at her affirmative words, and it doesn't irk her as much as it should._

_"It's stupid because I've waited for this moment for so long, you know? And now I want nothing more than to go back to kindergarten and do it all over again."_

_Devi bites her lip, trying to keep herself in check. Her heart hurt, physically_ pained _. The juxtaposition of the closeness of their bodies and their emotional distance was becoming a lot for Devi to handle. Her mind couldn't help but flash through memories of her childhood, everything leading up till now. Winning math awards in kindergarten. Having a field day in second grade. Performing in her first orchestra concert in fifth grade. Competing against Ben in the spelling bee in eighth grade. Then, the onslaught of high school memories. There were too many to even nail down in a list. But homecoming, Model UN trips, and just a few months earlier, her big blowout with Ben, stood out. She thinks about the last one for a few seconds longer than the others._

_"I would change a lot of things if that were the case," she manages, staring straight ahead. It's short, but it's packed full of meaning. And right now, it's all Devi can say. She just hopes Ben understands._

_Ben shifts slightly, and suddenly his shoulder is pressing against Devi's. It's all she can do to not lean in, not push back, not war with Ben as she used to. She wants that, wants it more than anything else right now, but they told themselves it wasn't going to work._ She _told him it wasn't going to work. So, she knows she needs to follow through with her promise._

_"I would too." And with those words, they both forgive the other. It's not an apology on either of their parts, but it's an understanding, an olive branch, an extended hand. Because Devi and Ben were both too smart to do things the simple way, the easy way. With them there were no apologies or explanations or asking for forgiveness, it was all light touches and hidden words and complex riddles. To anyone else, their dynamic would seem flawed, incomplete. But to them, it was nothing short of perfect._

_Devi checks her phone then, realizing it's been way too long since she told her mom she was going to look for water. As much as she doesn't want to break this newfound truce she had just fused with Ben, she knows she needs to get back before Nalini has a panic attack about losing her only daughter at her high school graduation._

_She gets up with a sigh and brushes dust off of her gown, not knowing what exactly to do now. Does she say goodbye? Does he deserve it? What the hell just happened?_

_Ben surprises her by standing up too, and she takes a few steps down so as to put some distance between them._

_"David," Ben says softly, and Devi stops, forcing herself to turn around and meet his eyes._

_It's excruciatingly painful, the worst type of torture she could ever imagine, to look Ben in his eyes right now. Standing in their caps and gowns, about to depart on their journeys, their lives, without each other. It feels heavy and unexplainably sad, and Devi is suddenly sure that if anyone was taping this with a camera right now, their facial expressions themselves would be enough to win them Oscars. But Devi maintains the eye contact for just a few more seconds before he says something else._

_"Here," he says, extending a dark blue object. Devi looks down, grateful for the opportunity to break their eye contact. It's a Yale hat, and even though Ben's voice was full of hesitance, his posture is strong, sure, and Devi tries not to think about what that means._

_Devi continues staring at the hat, and before she thinks too much of it, drowning in her thoughts, leans forward and takes it from him, holding it gently between her fingers._

_She looks down at her hands immediately after, not wanting to look back up at Ben. Now, she's holding her phone and her own Princeton hat, as well as Ben's. She pauses for a few seconds, unsure if what she's about to do is the right move. He gave her his hat, she can just take it and leave, right?_

_Wrong._

_Internally sighing, she looks up at Ben once again and she offers him the orange hat._

_Ben smiles at her then, briefly, not one of his million-dollar smiles that Devi loves so much. But for her, right now, it's enough._

_He takes a step down, fingers extended, and grasps Devi's hat, making sure not to touch her hand. Devi looks up at him, takes one last glance, and she knows this image will be fused into her brain for a long time. Ben Gross, in his dark blue cap and gown, smiling at her gently, holding a Princeton cap._

_She turns and walks back down the stairs before she can make a bigger mess of things._

"What would you like?"

Devi is shocked back to reality by a miffed looking bartender. Glancing quickly at her phone, she realizes she's been sitting with her thoughts for over 20 minutes, with nothing but water in front of her. She quickly orders and texts her date, asking if he's on his way. Then, she scoops the container of mac and cheese out of her bag, and quickly eats a few bites, refusing to think about who made it.

The bartender comes back with her drink, and she gratefully accepts it, taking large sips. She finishes her mac and cheese and checks her phone. 30 minutes late. Something is telling her to leave, to forget this, to give up, but she doesn't want to. Maybe it's the fact that high school memories were just flooding her brain, or that this is the first date she's been on in a while, but she waits, praying for someone to show up.

Another 15 minutes pass and Devi decides to scroll through her email, looking at cases for work and their updates. She orders another drink, sipping it while scrolling through her phone.

A text from Fab forces her to look at the time, and she realizes it's been over an hour since she's been waiting for her date. Draining her drink, she tucks money under the glass and leaves.

* * *

Devi is climbing the stairs to her apartment, when she stops at the door, leaning back on it slightly. She needs to come up with a game plan for walking in and seeing Ben. It's been just over an hour and a half since she left. Which wasn't long enough to warrant return after a date, so she needed a believable excuse. Or even half-way believable. Unfortunately for her, the door opens right then, and she trips backward.

Devi manages to catch herself before she falls into Ben's body, and thanks the heavens for that as she whirls around, nose scrunching at the sight of his worn gray shorts and t-shirt.

"Oh, hey. I thought I heard a noise in the hallway, so I came to check. What are you doing back so soon?" Ben asks curiously, holding the door open wider for her to come in.

Devi steps inside the apartment, trying to prevent the heat from rising to her face while also attempting to think of a good excuse.

"He, um, had an allergic reaction. To something in the food. So, uh, I took him the hospital, and then came back right after," Devi tries, walking over to the sink to put in the container. Regrettably, at that moment, she realizes just how much sense that excuse makes. Zero.

Ben quirks an eyebrow. "Food? But I thought you said you were just getting drinks."

Devi focuses on grabbing soap on a brush and scrubbing the container.

"We were. I meant drinks. It might've been like some mint or something. I'm not sure what exactly it was."

Ben looks thoughtful. "Hmmm. What did he order?"

Devi rinses the container with water, trying to name the first drink that came to her mind. "Beer."

"There's not mint in beer."

Devi tightens her grip on the container. "It might've been barley. I don't know."

"They didn't tell you what it was at the hospital?"

Devi realizes at this moment that having this conversation with a lawyer was the worst possible thing to have done. He was focusing in on everything wrong with her excuse, finding all the issues and blowing them up for her.

"Nah, because I'm not family. HIPAA and all, you know," Devi says, drying the now clean container.

Ben looks thoroughly confused now. "But you're a resident. You work there. They know you, don't they? Why would they not tell-"

"I don't know, Ben, okay?" Devi exclaims, throwing her hands up. "I don't fucking know because he didn't fucking _show up_! Is that what you want to hear? I went on a date for the first time in months and the guy literally works with me and he stood me up, okay? And I gave you a bullshit excuse and you could've just nodded like it made sense, like anyone else would've done, but _no_. You had to go and question me about it and make me feel even worse than I already did."

Ben looks shocked by her admission, but his face softens soon after. Devi hates pity and doesn't want it right now, especially not from Ben, but he surprises her with what he says next.

"Do you want to watch a movie with me? I can make popcorn."

It's simple and it's more than enough for Devi. She hates it when people comfort her and try to make things better when she just needs a distraction from the problem. She loved Fab and El with her heart, she _really_ did, but they were guilty of doing that so many times, amplifying her issue unknowingly by approaching it the wrong way. There were times she wanted someone to sit down with her and comfort her, telling her she would be okay, and times she wanted someone to distract her, help her focus on something else. And right now, she wants the second one. She tries not to wonder how Ben gets it exactly right every time.

Instead, she nods and goes into her room to change. She strips off her jeans and top and pulls on a pair of soft cotton shorts and a Princeton t-shirt.

Trudging back to their living room, Devi sits on the couch, staring at the screen which already was playing the opening credits of "Knives Out." She silently thanks Ben for not choosing a romantic movie, and leans back against the couch.

A moment later, Ben sits down next to her, handing her a bowl of popcorn and a beer. She takes both, smiling at him in thanks.

Devi focuses her attention on eating her popcorn and watching the movie. Ben stays relatively quiet, which she is thankful for, but every now and then makes a comment which she can't help but smile at.

About halfway through the movie, Devi finishes her popcorn and beer and leans forward to set them down. Leaning back once more, she realizes she's just a few inches away from Ben's shoulder. She closes her eyes briefly and leans towards him.

The second her head makes contact with his shoulder Ben stiffens, and Devi is about to move back when he moves his arm to hold her, and she all but falls into his chest. On the TV, the family is screaming at each other, yelling at Marta since they just found out she got the inheritance, but the beating in Devi's ears feels infinitely louder to her.

"Is it bad I sometimes feel like that family?" Devi says, softly, head resting against Ben's heartbeat. "Like, I'm trying to look for something that's not there, refusing to accept that the issue is me?"

Ben doesn't say anything for a little, but he shifts slightly, drawing her closer to him.

"You are not the issue, Devi. You push through things, even if they're hard, and you do it the right way. Sure, maybe it's not the way other people like, but it's the right way."

Devi thinks back to their senior year blowout, the fight that _she_ had started. _Had she done things the right way then?_ Not really.

"I don't always do the right thing. Or say the right thing. I fuck up sometimes."

Ben hums softly. "We all do. But we can't live the rest of our lives thinking _we_ are the issue. We're not wrong 100% of the time, but we also aren't right 100% of the time."

Devi thinks about what this could mean. Before she can say anything, Ben bends down then, and she feels the unmistakable brush of his lips against her skin, right above the top of her ear.

"Today was not on you, David. Fuck that guy. He's missing out."

Devi smiles despite herself. _On what?_ she wanted to ask. Instead, she focuses on the movie, watching Marta and Ransom argue.

"Thanks, Gross."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading! this hurt my heart (in a good way) to write so lmk if you guys liked it as well!


	4. i'm not gonna get sick. no germ can live in a body that is 65% beer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guyssss! nhie was renewed for a season 2 today and the news spurred me to finish this chapter :)) i mentioned before that i do not be outlining shit before i write it which always bites me but i did take some of the things that yall wanted to see as inspiration for some of the scenes in this chapter so i hope they live up to ur expectations! 
> 
> some dialogue taken from season 1 episode 21 of new girl  
> also the south indian words in here are taken from my own experiences even tho im not tamil im still p sure theyre accurate but if they aint just lmk

Devi was not quite sure what the typical roommate protocol was. In college, she had hated her roommates for the first two years and then lived in an apartment by herself the last two. During medical school, she had gotten her own apartment under the guise of uninterrupted studying, and now, _well_ , she was living with her high school ex. And her limited experience in the field of roommates didn't exactly help. In her defense, she didn't see Ben that often, but when she did, she didn't think feeling like the floor was melting was normal.

She spent the next week focusing on work since her residency was drawing to a close soon, and she would need to acquire all the knowledge she could get to be able to be successful as a fully practicing doctor in no less than two months. She also needed to take the Step III of the USMLE, which was coming up for her faster than she had expected. It was less than a month away. Unfortunately, even work didn't allow her a break.

"Hey, Devi! Wait up!"

Devi barely slowed her walking pace, but the voice in question caught up to her anyway.

"Hey! I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for last week. I really am, I had a family emergency come up."

Devi blinks her eyes at her fellow resident-Ryan-who stood her up a week ago. He's tall, tan, and usually a nice guy. Something in his words seems genuine, and maybe it's the fact that she doesn't want to deal with her feelings regarding her roommate, but she feels inclined to believe them. Even if he did stand her up.

Devi clears her throat. "I'm so sorry. Is everything okay?"

Ryan looks relieved at her words. "Yes. Well, to be honest, not really. My grandma had a stroke and I had to rush out to drive her here. She's checked in now, actually. But she should be going home within the next few days. I check on her during most of my breaks."

"That's good to hear," Devi says, fiddling with the hem of her scrubs.

"Yes. I just wanted to ask if you were still okay with meeting up for drinks. To be honest, I could really use a distraction right now. And I do want to make up for last time. It was super shitty of me to stand you up like that. I really am sorry."

Devi pauses, looking down. Despite her efforts to be mad at him, she felt kind of bad for the guy. It was hard enough being a resident and working insanely long shifts, watching sick people grow sicker, without the worry of your own being in the hospital. It sounded pretty awful. And to be honest, she could use a distraction too. From what, she wasn't exactly sure.

"That works for me. How about Friday after work?"

Ryan smiles and nods excitedly. "I'll text you."

* * *

Devi returns home that day to hear the TV blasting. She dumps her bag on the kitchen island and walks into the living room.

_"CeCe, are you pregnant?" Schmidt says onscreen._

Devi quirks an eyebrow. "Hi, Ben."

Ben almost throws the TV remote in the air in his haste to pause the episode. He sits up, running a hand through his hair, looking a little embarrassed.

"Hey, Devi. How was work?"

"Good," she says, walking over to sit on the couch next to him, propping her legs up. "You're watching New Girl?"

Little splotches of pink appear on Ben's neck. "Yeah. It's funny sometimes. They're all just so dumb."

"I used to have the biggest crush on Schmidt when I was in college."

Devi stops suddenly, praying to God that Ben wouldn't connect the very evident dots here.

Ben, unluckily for her, does connect the dots. "What about him is attractive? The expensive suits? The pretentious vibe?" He leans closer to her, smirking. "Or was it the fact that he's……Jewish?"

Devi hopes she's not blushing because internally, she's never been redder. "Shut up, Ben. Schmidt's a pain in the ass but you have to admit that Max Greenfield is a cutie."

Ben leans away from her and plays the episode again, smirking to himself. "Whatever you say, David."

Devi sinks farther into the couch, thinking about a good conversation changer. "Nick's attractive too, you know. Like in the I have no idea what I'm doing kinda way. He's like every woman's dream man but also the man that every woman is ashamed to have slept with." It sounds weak even to her ears.

Ben nods slightly. "Nick is so smart but he just wastes it on the wrong things. Like he literally writes an amazing book _after_ 10 years of bartending. Just because he didn't have the courage to before."

Devi reaches over to swat his arm. "Hey. That's not his fault. He was working and trying to figure his life out. He needed time."

Ben rolls his eyes and focuses on the TV.

_"You got Cece pregnant?" Nick asks._

_"We used protection. I don't know how this happened."_

_Nick looks incredulous. "Think she did it on purpose?"_

_Schmidt just stares back. "An Indian-Jewish baby...who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure."_

Ben clears his throat nervously. "He has a point you know."

Devi maintains her gaze on the TV, positive that if she wasn't red before, she was now. "What do you mean?" 

"An Indian-Jewish baby? Come on, that would be a gorgeous kid."

Devi burrows even further into the couch. "All mixed kids are gorgeous."

Ben rolls his eyes. "But this would be a _superior_ mix. Not to mention how smart they would be. Imagine the intellect of Michael Bloomberg and every National Spelling Bee winner in one kid."

Devi chuckles. "I competed in the National Spelling Bee."

Ben glances at her briefly. "I know. Eighth grade, right? I remember reading an article about you in the school newspaper _and_ the local newspaper."

"God, I always knew you were obsessed with me, Gross. Don't try to tell me you didn't cut them out and frame them, because I know you did."

Ben laughs and Devi tries not to think about how warm and filling the sound is.

"Too bad this Indian-Jewish kid would get bullied for their ridiculous amount of arm hair. It would be hard to grow up looking like Bigfoot," Devi notes.

"Ah, no one can bully the kid who finds the cure for cancer," Ben says back.

Devi leans back and continues to watch the episode, observing CeCe and Schmidt. They were a cute couple. All of the couples on New Girl were cute, especially Winston and Aly. They were constantly overlooked and underrated but Devi loved their dynamic.

She supposes CeCe and Schmidt were similar to her and Ben. The similarities between their ethnicities and religions were enough to warrant comparison. And she supposed their personalities were similar enough. She liked CeCe's deadpan humor, but Schmidt was still a pain in the ass.

Devi notices the words "Marry Me" appear on the screen, and decides it's time for her to get out of his increasingly tense situation. The parallels were just too striking for her and Ben to be sitting here for much longer.

"Well," Devi says, getting up and brushing herself off. "I can make dinner today. Maybe some Indian food? I've been craving it a ton lately."

"Kitchen's all yours, David."

Devi gets up to look through the kitchen cabinets, determined to put distance in between Ben and herself. She starts thinking this is futile, considering they live in the same apartment.

"Ben!" she calls, rifling through the drawers. "How is it possible that the only two spices you own are cinnamon and nutmeg?"

"Cinnamon for hot chocolate and nutmeg for baking," Ben yells back.

Devi groans. There's no possible way she can make Indian food with just two spices. She resolves to make a casserole instead because she supposed that's what white people ate. And if she had another meal consisting of pasta she would explode.

* * *

The rest of the week passes quickly, and Devi manages to successfully make a spice run on the way back from work on Friday. Unfortunately, it was also the day of her date, so she had just a few minutes to shower, change, and get ready for drinks with Ryan. She thanks her lucky stars for not having run into Ben on the way in, and prays she can do the same on her way out.

Running a brush through her hair, she checks her outfit (more or less the same as last time, but this time a red tank top with black jeans), and rushes out the door.

Arriving at the bar, she spots Ryan easily and makes her way over to him, where he already has a drink waiting for her.

"Hey! Good to see you," Devi says, sitting down.

"Same to you! I went ahead and ordered a margarita for you." Devi would have preferred to order her own drink, but she accepts it anyway.

Their date passes quickly, but Devi feels as though Ryan's not focused on her. He looks stressed, constantly running his hands through his hair and fingers shaking slightly. He stumbles over basic questions and doesn't seem to listen to her answers fully. She tries asking him about hobbies and interests of his, and it takes him (she counts) 23 seconds to come up with anything to say. Truth be told, it's not the greatest date she's been on. But she invites him back to her apartment anyway. And he accepts.

Devi and Ryan push open the door to her apartment, and her heart falls when she realizes Ben is lying on the couch. He's covered in a blanket and there are three boxes of tissues surrounding him. Devi wrinkles her nose when he moves.

"Hello, Devi," he says, struggling to sit up.

Ryan looks a tad concerned. "Who is this?"

Devi curses to herself. She really should have planned out what to say in this scenario better, but truth be told, she wasn't expecting Ben to be there. He wasn't there when she left, which was less than an hour ago.

"Uh, this is Ben. He's my, um, roommate."

"And ex," Ben rasps, sitting up and leaning against the armrest now. Devi squints at him. His nose is red, face hallow, and hair the biggest mess she's seen it. _Oh no_.

Ryan raises an eyebrow, turning his attention to Devi now. "You live with your ex?"

Devi pushes her tongue into the side of her mouth, thinking of ways to kill Ben. "Yes. But we dated forever ago, in senior year of high school."

Ryan raises both eyebrows now and opens his mouth to say something but Devi looks back at Ben.

"Ben, are you sick?"

Ben coughs violently in response. He opens his mouth to address Ryan, ignoring her question. "She says it was forever ago, but you know the feelings from teenage love don't really go away."

Devi's eyes widen at Ben's words, and she pushes down the jump of her heart. She sighs, understanding what's happening here.

"Ryan," she says, turning to him. "I had a great time, but I don't think tonight is going to work out. I'm sorry." She tries to be upset by the words, she really does, but to tell the truth, she's a lot more worried about Ben. She feels the need to check his temperature. She also wants to strangle him. She just can't decide which.

Ryan nods and brushes his way out of the apartment without another word, and Devi turns back to Ben, who's smirking at her.

"You've got to be kidding me," she says, quickly washing her hands and pushing her way to sit on the couch next to him.

"I actually am sick. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been sneezing and coughing all day at work, and now I feel like an elephant is sitting on my head," Ben says, nasally.

Devi rolls her eyes. "What are your other symptoms? Do you feel warm?"

"I'm sure you want to know, Doctor," he quips, waggling his eyebrows.

"Literally shut the hell up," she says, reaching forward to feel his forehead. He really did look pretty terrible. He was sweating profusely, but she knew he had chills from the way he was clutching the blanket. His hair, although matted, still looked incredibly soft, and Devi thought about how it wasn't fair that he looked not even half bad while being sick.

"Aren't you supposed to be nice to your sick patients?" Ben asks softly, closing his eyes.

"I'm nice to them when they don't make my dates run away," Devi responds, briefly touching his sinuses. "Does it hurt here?"

"Yes," Ben moans softly. "And I didn't make him run away. You didn't seem that into him in the first place."

Devi has half an urge to back off, just let him suffer here, but her brain tells her that would hurt her heart a lot more than she's ready for. There is the other _small_ aspect of her being a doctor, with a duty to her patients. But that's not important right now.

"You saw us together for three seconds. There's no way you could've known that," she quips, placing her hands on his neck to feel for his pulse.

"Trust me, I know when I know. Plus, I only deserve the best. And you're the best doctor I know. So you can treat me, now that he's gone."

Devi pinches the bridge of her nose.

"Okay, well. What _I_ know is that it looks like you have the flu, so you're going to have to rest for a few days. I'm going to change and make you something to eat, although I would much rather leave you here to die." Devi gets up, walking to her room.

"That's definitely like a violation of something," Ben calls back, but there is relatively no force behind his words.

She just shakes her head and closes her door. While she changes her clothes, she thinks about why she doesn't mind taking care of Ben. How she wanted to take care of him the second she walked in the door and saw him lying there. How she barely paid attention to Ryan and how she could care less about his feelings. She admitted it to herself then: she felt something for Ben. Why else would she be not even the smallest bit sad she just traded away potential sex for taking care of a sick person? And she took care of sick people as her _job_. 

Pushing this newfound revelation out of her mind, she breezed out of her room and set about cooking in the kitchen, thankful for the spices she had bought earlier in the day. She throws water and tomatoes into a pan, adding paprika, turmeric, garlic, and pepper. Then, she lets that boil while she fishes for a bottle of Gatorade and some pain medication. Putting everything on a tray, she walks over to Ben.

"Hey Ben," Devi begins softly, reaching over to remove the pillow he'd hidden under. "You need to eat this."

"It smells like straight spices in here," he moans softly, pulling his blanket up to cover his face.

Devi sighs. Of course, he'd act like a child when he was sick. It was the most predictable thing ever.

"I know," Devi says back in a comforting tone. "But you need to drink this. I made you some _rasam._ My mom used to make it for me when I got sick. It'll flush your fever right out."

"I don't want to," he says, burrowing further under his blanket.

Devi softens even though her brain is telling her to harden, to be firm. "I understand. It'll help you get better a lot faster though, okay? And when you're done, you can have some Gatorade."

A pause.

"Is it orange-flavored?"

Devi rolls her eyes. "Yes, Ben. The only flavor we have."

Ben doesn't move for a few seconds, but then moves his blanket out of the way and gets up, seeming to understand he has no choice.

Devi hands him the _rasam_ , and moves to sit on the opposite end of the couch, prepared to watch him eat it. Ben examines the contents of the bowl for much longer than necessary, before reaching heavily shaking fingers out for it. He spills way too much of it on the floor before Devi rolls her eyes again and takes it from him.

"Oh my god. You just sit under the blanket. I'll feed it to you."

Ben shuffles under the blanket and Devi leans over, placing a spoon of the _rasam_ in his mouth. He recoils immediately, but Devi just looks at him until he obediently opens his mouth again. She feeds him a few spoonfuls before he speaks.

"This actually isn't so bad. It's savory," he says, surprise lining his tone. Devi smiles and just places another spoonful in his mouth until he's done. Then, he drinks a few sips of the Gatorade and swallows the medication.

Devi hands him back the pillow, and draws the blanket up to his chin.

"I don't know how you manage to be a bigger pain in the ass than normal when you're sick," Devi says softly, even though there's nothing but fondness in her tone.

Ben smiles, eyes drifting shut. "It's my magic. Don't question it."

"If you had magic, you would have stole it from Voldemort himself."

"Admit it, Vishwakumar, you love me." It's more of a whisper than anything. She can tell by his heavy breathing that he's already half asleep.

Devi looks at him, eyes running over his face. His smooth skin, perfect features, soft lips. _Fuck_ , she thinks to herself. This is officially a shit situation she's in.

She leans forward to brush her lips against his forehead.

"I just might."

* * *

It only takes Ben a few days to recover from the flu, which Devi considers a major win on her part because it takes most people a week at least. She attributes it to her expertise, obviously, while Ben attributes it to his uncanny ability to bounce back from illnesses. She doesn't take days off from work to stay at home with Ben, because that would be counterintuitive, but she does rush home as soon as she can to take his temperature and check on him everyday. He worries her almost more than some of her cases at work, which she doesn't think is good. He has the _flu_. Her patients are undergoing _life or death surgery_. Fortunately for her, the few days of stress pass because Ben is back to being his normal self by the end of the next week.

"Hey, Devi!" he greets her the next Friday when she comes home from work, lazing on the couch watching football. "How was your day?"

"It was alright. But I kinda got behind this week. I have a lot of things to look over this weekend. I have just a month and half left before I have to take Step III. I started studying a few months back but I really need to get on it." Devi wasn't sure why she decided to tell Ben all of that. In actuality, she was _stressed_. She had never been this stressed in her life, and while she wasn't behind on her studying, she was struggling to find motivation to study when she came home from long shifts and all she wanted to do was sleep for years.

Ben nods understandingly. "I feel you. I have a ton of cases to look over too. Hey, how about we stay up tonight? We can keep each other motivated and then sleep in tomorrow."

Devi looks at him skeptically, crossing her arms across her chest. "I don't know. Plus, you just got better. Not getting enough sleep isn't going to be healthy for you so soon after beating the flu."

Ben rolls his eyes. "I'll be okay. I'm a big boy, Devi. Besides, we will still be getting good sleep. We are just going to sleep _later_."

"You weren't exactly being a big boy when I had to spoonfeed you not even a week ago," she says, smirking at him.

Ben throws a pillow at her. "We don't talk about that."

Devi laughs, going into her room to change.

* * *

By the time she's back, Ben has ordered takeout and tells her its on the way. She thanks him, trying not to think about how much unhealthy food she's eaten in the past month and a half. It can't have been that good for her. Ben seemed to have no qualms on living on a diet of pasta and takeout and beer, but she knew it would catch up with her sooner or later.

She sits down across from him, dropping her binder of notes on their small wooden table. Ben sighs, grabbing his briefcase from work and pulling out several stacks of papers. They sit quietly for a little until their food comes and Devi helps him set out the tacos and quesadillas he had ordered.

"You know we could have made this at home?" she quips, taking the boxes out of bags.

"Jesus, David, you're such a _grandma_ sometimes. It's okay to not cook at home all the time, you know."

"I don't know if making pasta everyday is considered cooking."

Ben glares at her, but the slight upturn of his lips shows her he's not mad. "At least I actually cook, David."

Devi swats his arm. "I _do_ cook. Plus, it's so nice to come home when you've already made dinner. Really enforcing societal gender roles. "

Ben chuckles at that and they sit down to eat while holding their papers in their free hands.

They finish eating and work relatively quietly for a while, and Devi finds she can actually focus. Ben's presence is comforting in a way that she should have expected. She glances up to see him reading his case, highlighter in a hand, eyebrows furrowed. He looks, frankly, _adorable_. She almost smiles from how normal this feels, how good it feels, to just have him here.

Ben glances up at her and she shifts her eyes to the right of his, trying to look deep in thought. She's not given enough time to figure out if he buys it or not before he opens his mouth.

"Do you remember senior year?" he asks, tentatively, softly. "When we'd do this same thing?"

The comfort that Devi found in their dynamic flies out of the room, replaced quickly by a heavy, settling tension. She did remember senior year, where they'd spend countless nights working at Devi's kitchen table before Nalini made Ben drive home, or the few occasions where she'd let Devi go over to his house with the promise she'd be home in her own bed to sleep. She remembered reading his college essay, editing his grammar and pointing out words she could think of replacing with better ones. She remembered sharing hers with his a few days before it was due. She'd written about her father, and she didn't want to show anyone, but she did eventually show Ben, and he had read it carefully, giving her tips on what to change gently, smiling at the parts he liked. They'd done this multiple nights during senior year, usually snacking on chocolate or something salty, and Devi found she did remember those nights with a lot more clarity than she thought she would.

"I do," she replies, just as softly.

"Those were good times. So simple."

Devi looks at Ben, suddenly unable to focus on her work any longer.

"They were. Too bad we won't ever get that back." Devi feels sadness whoosh inside of her, because saying the words out loud made it feel real, made it feel as if it was written in stone.

Ben stares at her, eyes laden with a multitude of emotions that Devi wishes she could make out, before nodding, turning back to his case.

They sit like that for the rest of the night, avoiding eye contact with the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmk what you guys think! thank u for reading :)


	5. do i regret it? yes. would i do it again? probably

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> although the title for this chapter is relatively light hearted, this is another chapter of emotions and sadness! idk why im excited about that but i need somewhere to channel my angst so this shall be it! 
> 
> also i acc have no idea if the medical questions in this are correct but there's like two of them and i used quizlet/google so i hope u can overlook any errors lol ty
> 
> hope u guys enjoy pls read end notes if u can!

After that week, Devi feels like a lot of walls between her and Ben were suddenly broken down. There's something about bailing on a potential hookup to take care of a sick roommate which brings people closer together, she thought. The next two weeks were some of the happiest of Devi's life. Even though she was plunged into what seemed like never-ending studying, with only a few weeks before her Board exams, she took breaks to grocery shop with Ben, make dinner with Ben, and watch movies with Ben. She wasn't sure how her life became residency, studying, and Ben, but the shift occurred almost imperceptibly. She rarely responded to texts that weren't from him, attributing it to her busy schedule, but she knew El and Fab were starting to get worried. Devi wasn't sure why she didn't care more. She resolved that she just didn't have much time in her day, and spending the time that she had with her roommate felt like the easiest thing to do. But deep down, she knew she was falling a lot faster and harder than she expected. Ben made her feel like a teenager again, in a good way, and she wanted to hold onto that for as long as she could.

"What should we make for lunch?" Ben questions from their kitchen table, as soon as Devi steps out of her room one Saturday morning.

Devi raises an eyebrow and walks over to pour herself a cup of coffee. "What about breakfast?"

"Eh, coffee is breakfast. Breakfast is coffee. It's lunchtime now."

Devi shakes her head and adds some creamer to her coffee.

"Oh my god. Here's an idea. Chocolate chip cookies."

Devi internally squirms. "For lunch?"

Ben leaps up from his chair and over to her, looking way too excited for such an abysmal suggestion. At least in Devi's mind.

" _Yes!_ Think about it. We make chocolate chip cookies and then eat them with milk and that's our lunch."

Devi wrinkles her nose. "That sounds unhealthy. And also kinda gross, if I'm being honest."

Ben looks incredulous. "No, it's an _amazing_ idea. From the smartest person in the room. So we're going with it."

* * *

That's how Devi found herself mixing cookie dough at 11:47 am while Ben quizzed her on surgery protocols and pathophysiology. Devi didn't want to miss out on valuable study time, and Ben didn't want to make cookies by himself, so they compromised.

"What treats MRSA and VRE?" Ben asks, leaning on their island.

"Daptomycin," Devi answers, dumping in chocolate chips to their dough.

"Typical bugs in cat bite?" Ben flips to another flashcard.

"Pasteurella multocida and anaerobes," she says back easily.

Ben scoffs. "These are so easy, David. I could definitely do them myself."

Devi snorts and starts placing scoops of cookie dough on their sheet.

"I'm serious. I know all about Lyme disease from a class I took in college about Disease Prevention."

Devi finishes placing the last scoop of cookie dough on the tray and puts the tray in the oven.

"You took a class on Disease Prevention?" she asks, turning to face Ben.

"Hell yeah, I did. It was super cool. That's not the point though. The point is that out of the two of us, it's clear who's the Doctor."

He continues flipping through her flashcards, showing her words he thinks are interesting or and words he knows (HIV or cancer, mainly), but Devi is only half invested. In reality, she's thinking a lot more about how the stress of her upcoming exam is jumbling all her feelings together, and how spending time with Ben seems to be the only thing that calms her down, even slightly. He always calmed her down. It was a little unnatural, really.

When the oven beeps signifying their cookies are done, Devi opens it and takes the tray out. She just starts removing the cookies from the tray when she stops and suddenly looks at Ben. She doesn't know why, but she feels the urge to clarify something.

"Can I ask you something?" Devi says, looking at a spot just to the right of Ben's face.

He puts the flashcards down on the island and looks at her, nodding slightly.

"Um, how - why did you come up to me at graduation?"

Ben sighs heavily, eyes flicking down at his feet before back up to her.

"It's kinda a long story."

Devi raises an eyebrow in response.

"When we had that huge fight a few months before graduation, it took me time to come to terms with what had even happened. I was so mad at you for a few days that I didn't feel anything but anger. I avoided you at school, as you might remember, but literally, it just felt like my whole world was falling apart. But eventually, I realized you were right. I mean, I'm not the same person right now that I was in high school, and I'm very thankful for that. And you're not either. Back then, I had no way of knowing that though, and so when you said we needed to break up, I just shut down. Then, at graduation, I was walking back to go find my parents when I saw you just sitting there. And I wasn't sure what possessed me to walk over to you, but I _knew_ I'd kick myself later on if I didn't."

He pauses, taking a deep breath.

"You're like fire, Devi, and even though you burned me pretty bad, I still wanted your warmth."

Devi steels herself, head swimming with this knowledge. The fact that Ben couldn't let go of her. The fact that he _wanted_ her, despite her crazy messiness and the way she had wrecked the whole situation. The fact that she still wants him, always will. The fact that she never wants to let him go. If she's fire, then he's water, calming her down, slowing her down, until she stops burning and goes out.

Maybe it's the stress of her upcoming exam or the close quarters she's spent with Ben for the past few months, she finds the following words tumbling out of her mouth before she could run them back in her head to make sure of what she was saying.

"Ben, look. I'm _so_ sorry for the way I made you feel back in high school. I was dealing with so many things but that's not an excuse for the way I treated you. I should have given you a better answer and I apologize for not. There's a lot of things I wish I had said back then, and a lot of things I wish I'd known."

Devi steps closer to Ben, standing just a few feet away from him.

"What I _do_ know now is I'm in love with you." Devi's eyes involuntarily widen but she schools herself to keep going. "Woah, I didn't - I wasn't planning on saying that just now."

She takes another step and tries to choke out a few more sentences.

"But, I just - these past few months have been absolute shit for me at work, but coming home to you just feels ….. _right_. I feel happy and at peace and you make me forget about any stress I feel. You're the only person who has this effect on me. It feels like I could do this forever, you know? Come home to you, watch movies cuddled on the couch, make you food when you get sick, stay up late, and work with you. It all feels more natural than anything has felt for me in a long time. And if that's not love, then I don't know what it is."

Ben looks shocked to the core if his vice-like grip on the edge of their island is any indication. He doesn't say anything for what is probably only ten seconds, but to Devi feels like centuries, eons of time. She's standing so close to him she can see his eyes grow wide, his eyebrows furrow, and every wrinkle on his face. She considers turning around, running, taking back her words, but something within in her tells her to hold on just a bit longer. So, even though she can barely hear because her heart is beating in her ears, she waits.

Ben opens his mouth and takes a deep breath. "David, I - you're _amazing_ , Devi. You really are. You are _so_ amazing and smart and living with you has been so great. I just - I don't think I can do that right now. And that's not your fault at all. It's mine, actually."

He steps forward then, taking Devi's hands in his own to stop the shaking of them that they both can clearly see. Devi barely registers his touch while she stares back, trying to focus on her breathing, trying to make sure she doesn't run. Because right now, she _really_ wants to.

"You see, when you broke up with me senior year, it broke my heart. I mean, growing up, all I wanted was someone to give me love, any type of it. When we started dating senior year, I - it mended me. _You_ mended me. You made me so happy, happier than I had been in years. I felt alive every single day we were together. And then you took it all away from me in one hour. Ever since then, I haven't felt what I felt with you with anyone else. But, I don't know if we can be more than friends right now because of that very same reason."

Ben pauses now, looking into Devi's eyes.

"I just don't want to get burned again."

Devi blinks a few times, trying to process everything he just told her. She wasn't sure what had even possessed her to confess to him, but as soon as she said the words, she'd known they were true. Now, however, she wishes she'd kept her mouth shut.

"But you said - you said we both changed. You said we were different people. It wouldn't be like last time," she manages, trying to blink back the tears that appeared in her eyes.

Ben grips her hands tighter, but his face softens at her words.

"I know. But I just don't think I can do that all over again. It's too scary," he mumbles.

Devi snatches her hands out of his grasp and steps back. Her sadness morphs into anger, something deep in her stomach which she is more than familiar with. She'd waited it out before, but yeah, _now_ it was time to run.

"That's fine, Gross. I get it," she says coolly, continuing to walk backward. "I actually _just_ realized that I was supposed to meet Fab for lunch, though, so um - I'm gonna go do that right now. And this"- she gestures between them- "we don't have to make it a big deal. I'm moving out soon anyway."

Devi grabs the container of cookies and her phone, walking towards the door. She looks over her shoulder one last time to see Ben staring at her sadly, hands in his pockets. She turns back around, shakes her head, and slams the door, not even caring if it breaks.

* * *

Devi walks down the stairs of her building shakily, but quickly. It was hard to be fast when it felt like she didn't have control of her limbs, but she pushed the emotions and feelings in her mind away and focused on descending the stairs. At the bottom, she stopped, leaning against the apartment, trying to focus on the rational part of her brain. She needed to talk to someone. She knew El was probably in the middle of a rehearsal, and she never picked up her phone during rehearsals. Her mom was in India with Kamala, helping her through her pregnancy. She'd been there for the past few months, and with the time difference and Devi's busy schedule, she hadn't spoken to her in a while. Devi sighed, thinking about how she _really_ needed to call her mom. Maybe just not right now. She decided to go with her original plan of heading over to Fab's. She was married, so she ought to know a thing or two about feelings.

* * *

Devi rang Fab's doorbell and brushed away her tears. Her stomach rumbled and she just begins to contemplate eating one of the cookies before the door opened.

Eve beams at her, covered in small splotches of various colored paint. "Devi! It's so nice to see you. Come in."

Devi steps inside and follows Eve, who is already walking through their house.

"Fab is out grocery shopping right now, but she should be back soon. It's really great to see you because no one wants to disturb us because we are newlyweds or whatever, but I am kinda getting tired of - Devi, are you okay?"

Eve stops suddenly and turns to look at her, and Devi merely shakes her head, unable to find words to describe her current situation. Contrary to what Devi expects, she smiles and reaches a hand out.

"Come on."

* * *

Devi had never been inside Eve's studio, but she had seen some of Eve's paintings on display before. As she looked around the room, her eyes scanned the various hues, colors, and textures of Eve's works. They really were beautiful, and if Devi had been in a better mood, she probably would have been able to appreciate them a lot more. Right now, she was mainly focused on trying not to cry. Or scream.

"Okay, here we go," Eve says, handing Devi a brush. "Just take this and dunk it in the paint cans. Then throw it at the canvas as hard as you can."

Devi stares back at her, trying to get a sense of her thought process. When Devi had first met Eve, she'd liked her well enough. She knew Fab and Eve had done long-distance throughout college, but Devi had only really gotten to know her better after college, a few months before their wedding. The more time Devi spent helping Fab with the wedding, the better she had understood Eve. She liked Eve because she was patient and genuine, and those two qualities meant a lot to Devi. They reminded her of her dad, and she had grown to really appreciate people who were similar to him after his death. (Ben also possessed those two qualities, but that thought was irrelevant right now). So, against her better judgment, she dunks her brush in a blue can and throws it at the canvas.

"Good. Now, do it again," Eve says, perching on a stool a few feet away from Devi.

Devi dunks her brush again and does as instructed, with more force this time.

"Try a different color now."

Devi does it again, and again, and again. Each time, she feels some of the gaping tension leaves her body, and being given a task to do distracts her enough from the shittiness of her situation which helps her breathe a little easier.

Eventually, she finishes and looks at her painting. There are splotches of red, blue, pink, and yellow everywhere. She knows it would probably be considered ugly to others, but she sees a few of her emotions in each dot, in each inch of the canvas. Red for the way she sparred with Ben, passionate, emotional, anger-driven. Blue for the sadness and melancholy that confused her. Pink for the incontrollable urge she felt to be near to Ben, to touch him, and feel his touch in return. Yellow, which gave her some small hope that things would improve for her. That there was some sunshine at the end of this shitty rainbow.

Devi's never really been one who overly analyzes art, but she decides she likes this painting. She likes it a lot.

"How do you feel?" Eve asks her, still perched on her stool. Devi had forgotten she was there.

"A lot better, actually," Devi says.

Eve smiles gently. "I find that when we have too much sadness inside us, sometimes it's easier to translate it to anger and take it out on something harmless, like a pillow or a canvas. Otherwise, the sadness just envelops us and we drown in it." She pauses for a little, looking thoughtfully at Devi's canvas. "Anyway, we can let this dry, and I'm gonna let you have the canvas. That way you can remember this day."

Devi is just thinking about how she's not sure if she wants to remember or forget this day before she hears noises from inside the house and suddenly Fab appears.

"Eve, I'm - Oh my god, Devi. It's so good to see you! Stay for lunch?," Fab exclaims, hugging Devi.

Devi nods, and Fab runs back into the house. Before she follows her, she turns to Eve.

"Thank you so much. This helped a lot more than I can say," she says, pulling her in for a hug.

Eve smiles and hugs her back.

* * *

"So, he said he wasn't ready for anything?" Fab questions, dunking a french fry in ketchup.

They were sitting at Fab and Eve's breakfast table eating In-N-Out. Devi had gotten over her initial extreme emotions with the help of Eve's paint throwing technique, but she found that talking about it out loud wasn't doing much good for her. The sadness had fought its way back into her body and was sitting like a weight on her heart. It was still extremely recent, of course, but she knew she needed to get everything out while the feelings were still fresh. That way, Eve and Fab could help her as much as possible.

"Yeah, he said it was because things ended so badly with us back in high school. As if he's still scarred or whatever." Devi tried to joke, but it was clear it wasn't too funny by the way Fab and Eve were looking at her sadly.

"I'm so sorry, Devi," Fab says, leaning forward to pat her arm.

"It's fine," Devi says, waving a hand breezily. "I'm just gonna avoid him or something."

Fab looks up at her, pausing for a little. "Maybe try talking to him about it?"

Devi shakes her head, looking down at her burger. "What's there to talk about? I told him how I felt and he said he wasn't ready. I don't know what else to talk about with him. We certainly can't go back to normal and talk about TV shows and movies and dinner. Do you know how _awkward_ that'd be?"

Fab and Eve glance at each other, then sigh.

"I definitely think it would be awkward, but I think it'd be more awkward if you guys didn't set any rules on what would happen next and just planned on avoiding each other. Then every time you ran into each other, it'd be like a rehash of today," Fab begins.

Devi scoffs. "Nah. I can make it. I'm super busy these next few weeks anyway."

"You're living with him for a month, more, right?" Eve asks.

Devi takes a bite of her burger before answering. "Yeah. I still have to take the Licensing Board exam at the end of this month, and then it's only about two weeks more before I was planning on moving out. I don't really have time to look for a new place but now I really need to make time."

"We can help," Eve says, brightly. "Fab and I can look for places in our free time and if we find anything that looks good we'll text them to you."

For the second time in the day, Devi was immensely grateful for Eve. She would need to buy her something nice for her birthday. Or hug her again.

"That would be amazing. Thank you so much."

"Of course, Devi. We both are here for you." Eve reaches out to pat her hand and Devi smiles, although it wasn't her strongest.

"Anyway, enough about me. How have you guys been? Also, I brought you guys cookies."

* * *

Devi was feeling slightly better after having spent the majority of the afternoon at Fab's house. She walked up the stairs to her apartment carrying her canvas, which Eve had let her keep, as she promised. Devi knew she had a lot of studying to do, so she tried to focus on channeling her energy in what she needed to accomplish that day. Unfortunately for her, as soon as she pushed open her apartment door, Ben was there.

He looks up as soon as she walked in, and Devi found all the newfound peace whoosh out of her in seconds, despite how slowly it had seeped into her body. She averts her eyes and walks to her room door, but he scrambles to get up and stand in front of her.

"Hey, David. That's a, um, nice painting," Ben begins hesitantly, looking at the canvas.

She ignores him and tries to push open the door to her room, but he moves to stand in front of it just slightly. Devi starts to get mad but instead focuses on not looking at him, hoping it'd help some of her fresh anger ebb away.

"Listen, I was wondering if we could talk about what happened," Ben asks nervously, one hand rubbing the back of his neck.

Devi hardens, staring at a spot just above the top of his head. "There's nothing to talk about. I said something and you said something back. That's it. Besides, I have a ton of studying to do. Right now, I just want to go into my room, _please_."

Ben looks a little taken aback but stands his ground. "Okay, um, that's fine. We can talk about it another time. But, I do need to ask you something." He pauses. "You know how Thanksgiving is coming up soon? Well, my parents want to come over and eat here. It would be nice if you could join us."

Devi can feel the pressure inside her start to build. First, he rejected her, and now he was inviting her to Thanksgiving dinner with his family? Who the _hell_ did he think he was? Ben seems to understand her internally brewing anger because he quickly backtracks.

"Look, I'm really sorry to bring this up right now, but I kinda told them you were living with me a while back and now they want to meet you. They remember you from, um…." Ben pauses, clearly not having planned out how he was going to say this "…high school."

Devi resists the urge to throw herself out of their window. She knew she would have to attend, even if it was for the sake of Ben's parents and not his. But she didn't think it was exactly the best look for her to be the roommate who broke their son's heart when she met his parents. Well, technically, he had broken hers just now too. So, they were even. The thought was not as comforting as it should have been. Or comforting at all, really.

"Fine, I'll be there," she says, perhaps a little more forcefully than would have been appropriate. "Now can I go into my room?"

Ben moves out of the way, eyes looking mournful, and Devi shuts the door in his face.

She leans against the door, sighing, thinking that Fab might have a point about all the awkwardness, but not really caring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay do not kill me let me explain myself!
> 
> 1) i am a hoar for happy endings. and my lovebugs ben and devi deserve nothing short of one
> 
> 2) no one hurts my baby boy ben and even tho devi is my homegirl, i rlly do think ben is guarding his heart, especially after she broke it so badly. regardless, devi doesn't deserve this either, but i honestly don't think ben wouldn't be a tad hesitant to get into smth with devi, knowing her habits. yes, she changed, but he's not quite sure exactly how much she has yet, she needs to prove it to him
> 
> 3) i literally deSPIsE writing confession scenes and this was so hard to write so pls lmk if u guys liked it


	6. i gotta tell my best friend im in love with her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :))) finishing up this fic w a roller coaster of emotions! this took a little longer than usual bc i wanted to make sure i got it right but eventually i just kinda gave up on perfecting it and told myself i did my best. this chapter turned out to be a little longer than i expected but again, i wanted to make it as good as i could. i hope yall enjoy! pls lmk what u think bc ur comments and kudos make me smileeee

The next week is nothing short of absolute hell for Devi. She can't help but thank her impeccable timing, though. Her Board exam was coming up much sooner than later and she spends all her free time studying. In fact, she spends more time out of her apartment than she does in it. In her mission to avoid Ben, she gets up earlier than he does and leaves, making her morning coffee as quickly as she can. She eats dinner at the hospital cafeteria, trading the soggy chicken nuggets for the (what would probably be) extremely heightened tension if she ate with Ben. She tries to stay out as late as she can before coming back at night. But Ben, being Ben, fights back as hard as he can. And maybe it's life, or fate, but she runs into Ben a lot more than she would have liked to in one week.

One day she comes back from work and he's sitting at the kitchen table, looking through immigration cases and eating takeout.

_"Hey," he says softly, hesitantly, looking up at her. "I ordered in food, in case you want some."_

_Devi's heart tries not to clench at the sight of him sitting there. It_ hurt _her to see his face and hear his voice, and her plan of avoidance had only worked for two days. Their conversation was still so fresh and clear in her mind. She hadn't really planned what to say at this moment, the first moment that she'd seen him since her confession, but she was finding that with Ben, there wasn't a point in planning. Because things never really went according to plan._

_"I'm not hungry," she responds, keeping her eyes on the floor while walking into her room._

_Devi had been hurt before, she'd lost the one person who'd cared the most about her when she was just 15 years old, so she was no stranger to deep pain. But this pain felt similar yet so different at the same time. Living so close to someone she cared so much about and trying to pretend things were normal when they so clearly were not hurt like shit. Just a few feet were separating Ben and her, but there might as well have been miles because it felt that way._

_"Are you sure?" she hears him say through the door._

_She doesn't say anything back, just covers her mouth while she sinks to the floor and sobs._

Another day she trips on her way coming up the stairs and Ben hears her because of course, he does.

_"Fuck," Devi curses to herself, mad at her careless behavior. She'd been carrying grocery bags when she tripped over the last stair and they all clattered to the floor. She sits down on the top step and buries her head in her hands, resisting the urge to cry for what would be the 10th time this week. She hears the door open and buries farther, hoping that somehow she would become unrecognizable._

_"Devi?" she hears Ben ask. "Oh my god, what happened?"_

_She reels herself in, because she is a grown, smart, motivated woman, and she really didn't need the help of anyone, especially not a man, especially not right now. She can pull herself together and clean up the mess she made. She breathes deeply and tries to stand up, but immediately realizes there's a shooting pain going through her calf._

_"Fuck!" she curses again, turning around to look at Ben._

_Ben looks a lot more worried than what Devi believes the situation calls for, eyes heavy, face expressively concerned._

_"Nothing's wrong," she manages, attempting to sound nonchalant, darting her eyes around at the mess. "I just tripped." She's finding that saying the least amount of words possible is best when dealing with Ben in light of her Confession because the whole reason that it even came out was that she was rambling. So, she keeps it short and simple, like how she wishes her life were sometimes._

_"You're bleeding, David," Ben says, eyes tracking her light blue scrubs which were stained with blood._

_"I'm fine," she says, waving an arm. To prove it, she bends down and begins picking up the spilled groceries, ignoring the pain in her leg. To be honest, it felt almost nice that the pain in her body wasn't coming from her heart clenching, for once in the past few days._

_Ben, for some reason, looks almost mad now. "You are_ not _fine. Stay here, I'm gonna get the first aid kit." He turns and steps back inside the apartment._

 _"I'm a_ doctor _, Ben. I can take care of myself," she calls after him, scrambling to pick up the groceries faster, hoping she'd be done by the time he gets back. She hated pulling the doctor card, she really did, because the whole profession was supposed to be noble and whatnot, but she also hated being in close contact with Ben a lot more, so she rationalized that it was fine just this once._

_He returns quickly and stands in front of Devi, holding the first aid kit. Devi really wants to fight him on this one, but that would require talking to him for longer and she doesn't want that either. She doesn't know if she can handle conversations with him for longer than a few minutes. Hell, this conversation was already starting to be longer than she would have liked._

_She sits down on the stair again and rolls up the leg of her scrubs, looking closer at her injury. It wasn't terrible, but there was a decent sized gash on her calf, due to what she was not sure. She scanned the area near her for broken glass but couldn't find anything._

_Ben takes out an alcohol swab and bends down in front of her, face near her knee, to clean her wound. While the pain stings, Devi barely registers it, instead focusing on staring at the concrete steps she was sitting on and not Ben._

_"I'm sorry if that hurts," Ben says gently, looking up at Devi._

_Devi maintains her gaze on the steps but nods in response to him. She sees something within Ben's eyes change, and they almost look bluer for a second, but she can't bring herself to look at him, especially when he's so close._

_He finishes bandaging up her wound without any further words, and they both stand up. Devi knows she should probably thank him, but she instead just nods again and scrambles to pick up her groceries, darting inside the apartment._

* * *

By the time Sunday rolls around, which is Thanksgiving, Devi is realizing just how bad this was going to go. There was no way for it to go well. She and Ben had hardly spoken all week save for a few extremely awkward incidents and now she needed to meet his parents and play the part of the roommate/good friend which Ben had clearly conveyed she was. Devi stood in front of her mirror, adjusting her maroon knit dress, and trying to speak positive mantras into the air. She heard a pan clatter to the ground inside the kitchen, but she just ignored it. She'd spent all of Saturday in her room, studying, and Ben hadn't mentioned Thanksgiving since the first time she'd asked. So she wasn't sure if she was supposed to help cook or anything, but she had heard Ben tell his parents he'd do the turkey if they brought the sides. Not that she was eavesdropping, obviously. Plus, she really had no idea how to cook a turkey, so she wouldn't have been of much help anyway. Devi finds herself wishing for a quick second that Ben's parents don't show up to this, how they didn't show up for him when he was younger but quickly stops that train of thought, horrified with herself. After pulling her dress down one last time, she takes a deep breath and emerges from her room.

Ben looks up at her from setting the turkey down on their small table and smiles gently. Devi tries to take another deep breath, but it ends up getting caught in her throat. She smiles back once, quickly, tightly, but Ben's face breaks into one of his genuine, lottery-winning smiles. He looks attractive, dressed in a pale pink button down- _with way too many of the buttons unbuttoned_ , she thinks-and khakis, because obviously he does. Devi tears her eyes away and instead looks at the table, where the turkey looks surprisingly good. She decides to force her mouth open and say something, even if it makes her uncomfortable because that's how the rest of the afternoon would go anyway. And she needed to stop hiding.

"Hey, Gross. Turkey doesn't look half bad," she manages, still staring at the turkey. In her peripheral vision, she can see his smile, his million-dollar smile, wide and happy, directed at the top of her head.

"Thanks, Devi. Took me a while to make," he says, sounding almost tired.

Devi starts to feel a tad guilty now, for not helping, but before she can apologize Ben opens his mouth again.

"Also, um, you look nice," Ben adds, still smiling at her head.

Devi finds her neurons not firing quickly enough to form words when they hear a knock on the door and he rushes to go open it. She absentmindedly fiddles with the place settings to calm her steadily rising nerves as she hears Ben greet his parents.

"And this is Devi, my roommate. I'm sure you all remember her from high school," Ben says, and Devi turns around.

"Hello, Devi!" Ben's mother says cheerily, dressed in a particularly fancy outfit, which makes Devi start to feel self-conscious in her Target dress.

"Hi, Mrs. Gross. It's so nice to have you here," Devi manages, leaning in to hug her.

She waves her hand flippantly. "Please, it's Linda. We're all adults now."

 _We sure are_ , Devi thinks. _Adults who still act like kids_.

Ben's father extends a hand. "Howard Gross. Just call me Howard, of course. Great to see you again, sweetie."

Devi shakes his hand, smiling back at him. Ben's dad had always been kind, even when she had said some truly outrageous things back in sophomore year, like asking him to help her emancipate herself from her mother. Both his parents were kind, even if they were distant. Maybe this Thanksgiving dinner wouldn't be terrible, after all.

"So, Ben, tell us about your cases. We want to hear all about them," Linda asks, sitting down across from Devi. Devi is thankful that Ben's parents aren't paying attention to her at the moment, because she internally panics at the thought of having to sit next to Ben for all of dinner.

Howard sits down next to Linda, solving Devi's dilemma of where to sit. She sinks down into her chair and lets Ben pour her a glass of wine, taking a much larger sip than was probably socially acceptable when he handed it to her.

"Obviously, I can't disclose specifics about them, with respect to the families. But the cases I have right now are definitely stressful. A lot of work," Ben pauses, cutting turkey for everyone now. Devi is confused as to why no one is saying grace or whatever, but just goes with it, reaching for some mashed potatoes. "But I love spending my time working on them. These families are some of the most special and deserving people I have ever met."

"Of course, darling," Linda says, taking a spoonful of green beans. "It's great work you're doing. But if you decided to focus your sights on something different, like say, entertainment or music, it could mean a lot more money for you. And not to say, you'd meet _so_ many different people."

Ben looks the slightest bit pissed off. "I know, Mom, but I'm not in it for the money. I want to actually help people."

"You can help people in different industries, too. You shouldn't limit yourself, " Linda persists, turning to her husband. "Tell him, Howard."

Howard, in the middle of taking a bite of turkey, looks so put on the spot that Devi has to stuff her mouth with mac-and-cheese so she doesn't laugh.

"Oh, Linda, let the boy do what he wants," Howard says, waving her off. "He's making a difference."

Ben seems to calm down a tad by the way his grip on his fork relaxes. Devi finds she can suddenly breathe easier, although she's not sure why. These weren't even her parents.

"So, Devi!" Howard continues, turning to her. "What are you up to? Ben told us you went to Princeton and then Stanford. Those are quite the credentials."

Devi finds _herself_ suddenly put on the spot, and she decides she does not like it. She finishes chewing her mac and cheese and swallows, trying not to think about what it might mean that Ben's parents knew all about her. She didn't even know he talked to his parents that much.

"Yes. I, um, actually went to Princeton for undergrad and then Stanford for med school. And now I'm just finishing up residency. I'm actually taking the Licensing Board exam this upcoming week."

Linda looks impressed. "Wow! What a smart young lady. Of course, we knew how smart you were back in high school too. Ben would never stop talking about you beating him on some test or essay."

Devi tries not to blush or look at Ben, but after stealing a glance at him out of the corner of her eye she sees his neck is slightly pink as he eats his sweet potatoes. She doesn't have time to think about this further before Linda keeps going.

"So, are you seeing anyone? There has to be someone you have your eye on. Being so smart and gorgeous, I can't see why you're single," Linda says, questioningly.

Devi takes another unnecessarily large gulp of her wine before shaking her head, sure that she was blushing now if she wasn't before. _Actually, I told your son that I was in love with him but he turned me down faster than you can say 'single',_ she imagines saying. She could see this dinner taking a whole different turn if she did.

"No one? Really? Aw, that's just too bad," Linda continues, looking genuinely concerned.

Devi blinks a few times before deciding to just be polite and smile instead. Although she and Ben had dated for almost all of senior year, she had only had dinners with the Grosses a handful of times, and she never remembered them asking her this many questions.

Ben opens his mouth to say something but Devi never finds out what it is because Howard cuts him off with his own question.

"What about you, _Bubelah_? Any pretty lady you usually have dinner with?"

Devi keeps her eyes on her plate, thinking about if it was possible to drown herself in her glass of wine. Ben usually had dinner with _her,_ of course, but they hadn't been doing it lately after her Confession, which made this question so much more uncomfortable. The fact that they both knew that and his parents, who were obviously just trying to be polite and spark conversation, didn't, was just the icing on the cake.

"No, Dad," Ben says tightly, voice sounding strained. "I'm not seeing anyone."

This admission brings Devi the smallest amount of peace, even though she was already 99% sure of it. She takes a bite of some cornbread, trying to focus on getting through the rest of this dinner without any more awkwardness.

However, Linda jumps in, again. "So the two of you…….."

Devi looks up to see her gesturing between her and Ben, and her eyes widen as she struggles to swallow so she can speak.

"No! No, nothing is going between us," Devi says defensively, as soon as she can. "We're just roommates, and friends, and I'm moving out pretty soon."

Saying it out loud makes Devi feel like she's stabbing her own heart a little, but she resolves that it's for the best. She sneaks a glance at Ben to see him looking back at her, face wistful and almost mournful, just the slightest bit guilty. Devi gazes at him for a second, trying to understand what his eyes are telling her, but Howard coughs and the moment is lost.

Ben turns back to his mother. "Devi's my best friend, Mom. Now, how about you guys tell me about how work is going for you two?"

The second admission from Ben, which should've been comforting, punches Devi's gut more than the first one. She didn't know he considered her his best friend, but she supposed it wasn't exactly a lie. She hadn't really seen him spend time with anyone but her, or go out to meet up with others.They did practically everything together, of course, except for this past week. While that knowledge makes some small part of her preen, it's not enough.

Devi sits back, listening to conversation flow between the family, silently wishing for dessert to come quicker.

Eventually, Ben brings out some pecan pie that Ben's mom claims to have made. After one bite of it, Devi is convinced she's lying because it's way too good. The conversation dies down as they savor the pie and finish up their wine. Then, Ben's parents are getting up and saying their goodbyes and it feels like the dinner has ended just as fast as it started.

"So," Ben begins, striding back to the table to clean up. "Thank you for doing that. I'm sorry they asked you so many questions."

Devi internally sighs and heads back over to the sink, beginning to scrub the dishes he places in it. By the way his eyes relax when she does, she knows he's thankful.

"It's all good. Parents never change, right?" she manages. _Short and simple, short and simple,_ she repeats to herself.

Ben barks out a small laugh. "You know it. How's your mom, by the way? Didn't you say she was traveling?" His words sound genuine, and it starts to annoy Devi a little.

She nods in response, eyes focused on the soap suds. "She's in India, helping Kamala through her pregnancy."

"Oh, I see. I'm sure you miss her."

Devi's not sure what is even going on at the moment. She's used to fighting with Ben, their banter consistent and warm. Even when they were dating, she was used to it, because they never stopped trying to challenge each other academically or tease each other. Now, them being nice to each other, point blank period, was disconcerting. She was starting to feel like he pitied her, and that was the cause of this newfound kindness. The thought made her feel like she was suddenly wound a bit tighter.

"I do," she says, scrubbing with more intensity now.

Ben finishes bringing the dishes towards the sink and stands beside her, drying the dishes she washes. His elbow brushes hers slightly and Devi jerks away in what she knows is probably not the most subtle movement.

Ben clears his throat. "So, do you feel ready for your exam? It's this week."

"I know," she bites out. "I feel okay."

He chuckles, drying a plate. "I can't imagine you ever feeling underprepared for an exam, anyway. You'll do amazing."

"I'm not perfect. I'm still worried, of course."

"Of course," he says back. "But you really don't need to be."

Devi decides she does not like this at all. It kinda reminded her of sophomore year when her dad died and Ben had suddenly decided to be nicer to her. She had hated it and had called him out for it as soon as she could. Pity was not her thing. It made her feel weak and small, two things she never wanted to be.

"Look," she begins harshly, turning to face him. "I don't know why you're all of a sudden being so nice to me, but cut it out. If this is because of what I said, I don't need you to treat me any differently than you were before. But if the - this _niceness_ is because I told you I loved you, I don't need your pity." As soon as she finishes her rant, she turns to leave, but Ben, seeming to understand that she's running away again, grabs her wrist loosely, but firmly.

The look in his eyes is weary, as if he's trying to tell her something she should already know, and his voice is soft, controlled.

"It's not because of that. And I understand that you don't want to talk about that. But I kinda sometimes wish you did. Because I want to explain."

Devi's not quite sure if it's the feeling of his wrist against hers, entrapping her, or the realization that they needed to have this conversation, sooner or later, but she finds that the control in his voice calms her down, if just a little.

"I just don't think I'm ready to have that conversation," she says, defeatedly. "I'm just super worried about this exam. Can we talk after?"

Devi doesn't know what they even need to talk about, but Ben seems so insistent on it that she relents, realizing she'll just avoid it as long as she can, praying it won't be even more devastating than the first one conversation.

By the way Ben smiles, she realizes that there is a 100% chance it would be.

* * *

The following days pass quickly, and Devi is so caught up in her review for her exam that she nearly misses a call from her mom. She picks up the phone at 2:14 am one night a few days before her exam, whispering so she doesn't wake Ben up.

"Hi, Mom," she greets Nalini, highlighting a term in her prep book.

" _Devi!_ Do you _know_ how _long_ it's been since I've talked to my daughter? My _only_ daughter? Here I am, starting to think you've died."

Devi winces and holds the phone away from her ear as her mom continues screaming. Some things really never changed.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I _really_ am. I've been super swamped with work and studying for Boards. My exam is this weekend."

"I understand, kanna. But you _cannot_ go weeks without picking up a phone call from your mother. You barely text me back as it is. You can't blame me for getting worried."

"No one's blaming you, Mom," Devi sighs, writing on a flashcard. "I really am sorry. It won't happen again, I promise."

"It better not. Now, what have you been up to other than residency?"

 _Falling in love with my high school ex,_ she imagined saying. _Ben Gross, remember him?_

"Not much. I talked to Fab and Eve a little but other than that I've just been studying."

Nalini hums over the phone. "I thought you got an eviction notice? Where are you living now?"

Devi curses to herself, closing her eyes for strength. "I - um, I'm living with, uh, Ben Gross."

There's an extended silence on the other end.

"Ben Gross?" Nalini says, sounding surprisingly calm. "Why him?"

"Well, I was looking last minute for an apartment. There were very few in L.A. in my price range. The ones that I did go to check out in person, the people were kinda sketchy. And then I saw this perfect apartment and when I called the owner, Ben picked up."

Another pause.

"Hmmmmm. Well, that's not terrible. How are things going with you two? Are you getting along well?"

Devi thanks an upward force for her mom being so chill about this, questioning how and why, but deciding to accept it while she can.

"Things are going fine," she pauses, knowing this enough would not suffice as an answer for her mother. "He makes dinner every day, so I don't have to worry about it. And we watch movies together, sometimes."

"Well," Nalini says, "Sounds like you two are well on your way to being married."

Devi's pen drops.

" _What?"_

"Relax, Devi. I'm just joking," Nalini laughs. "Although, thinking about it, things were pretty serious between you both in high school. Are you sure you're okay? I just want you to be happy."

Devi pauses, thinking about her mother's words. _Was she happy?_ She wasn't sure.

"I'm doing fine, Mom. I'm moving out in, like, a week, anyway."

"Oh really, where are you moving to?"

Eve had been the angel that Devi always knew she was and actually come through with an apartment. It was a lot smaller than the one she currently shared with Ben, and a little further away from the hospital, but Devi had made time to sign the lease the past week, despite her busy schedule. Although she hesitated before signing her name, she reminded herself it was something she needed to do.

"Just another apartment. It's a few miles from here, but it's a one-bedroom so I'll be by myself." Devi pauses to circle a word in her book before asking another question. "Mom, why are you not worried more about me living with Ben? I didn't expect you to be so chill about it."

Nalini chuckles on the other side. "Kanna, to be honest, you lived with him for weeks back in sophomore year and it was fine. I mean, the boy convinced you to go spread your dad's ashes when I couldn't. And you didn't get pregnant or get some weird disease. So, I consider that a win."

Devi rolls her eyes. "Oh my god, Mom. _Stop_."

Nalini doesn't sound apologetic in the slightest. "I'm just saying."

"Ew. Anyway, how's Kamala?"

"She's doing well. She's 33 weeks along and she's starting to get all the typical symptoms. Shortness of breath, forgetfulness, you know. But she's hanging in there. Doing her best."

Devi smiles slightly. "That's good to hear, Mom. I'll talk to her later, okay? I'm pretty tired so I'm gonna sleep soon."

"Okay. Good night, Devi. If you don't call me more, I swear I will skin you where you stand when I'm back in L.A."

Devi chuckles. "Good night, Mom."

Devi hangs up and closes her eyes, content to fall asleep at her desk.

* * *

On the day of her exam, Devi is running out her room trying to stuff her flashcards in her purse, fully ready to grab some breakfast on the way to the testing site, when she sees something on the table. She walks over to it, and there's some Starbucks coffee and a bag with a croissant in it. Devi wasn't sure when Ben had gotten up to get it, or even heard him leave the apartment, but something inside her warms a little as she takes a bite of the croissant, thinking about how she was thankful she was for this small effort. 

Her exam goes well because she had prepared adequately for it. Although it wasn't exactly hard, it wasn't easy either, and Devi has never felt more tired as she trudges up the stairs and into her room. She closes the door and pulls off her leggings and sweatshirt, throwing on a big t-shirt and climbing into bed, head hitting the pillow heavily.

Devi feels like she's only been asleep for two seconds when she hears her name being desperately screamed, and the sounds of a door being slammed.

" _Devi! Devi, get up!"_

She jerks awake with alarm, eyes blearily opening to see Ben standing over her, with a look of absolute panic on his face.

"Ben? What's going on?" she barely manages to ask before he grabs her arm and pulls her out of bed.

Devi's eyes widen and she struggles to pull her shirt down as he drags her towards the closet. He closes the door and pulls her down to the ground and for a second, Devi feels her heart jump way too high in her chest, but quickly pushes it away.

"Ben," Devi hisses. "Why are you acting _weird_?"

"Shhhhh," Ben hisses back, placing a finger over her mouth, his whole body shaking for some reason. "Did you not check your phone?"

Devi shakes her head, too scared and worried by his behavior to speak.

"There's an _active shooter_ in our building. They sent out alerts to everyone to take shelter. We need to be quiet."

Devi's eyes widen as she begins shaking as well. She pauses, wondering whether or not to lean into him before Ben puts his arm around her and Devi falls into him. They are both shaking uncontrollably but Devi stills slowly as she sinks deeper into his body. She can feel him stop shaking a little too, and the knowledge comforts her.

Ben breathes out quietly but heavily and she feels it against the top of her head. Devi tries to breathe normally, but the combined knowledge that her life is on the line and this is the closest she's been to Ben in weeks stops her from being able to do so. Instead, she just wheezes a little.

Minutes or maybe hours pass, and Devi starts to think that they should be alright, or the threat should have passed. Just then, they hear a large _bang_ outside their apartment door.

"Oh my god," Ben mutters, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Devi's.

She can feel his breath mingling with hers as they hear another bang. Devi suddenly realizes that she left her bedspread and comforter in a mess. It would be insanely obvious to anyone who walked in that there were people nearby. Knowing this makes her heart race through her chest about a hundred times faster. She tries to stay calm for Ben's sake, but he seems to sense the change in her demeanor because his eyebrows furrow and he takes her hand, tracing the veins.

They hear footsteps in their apartment and Ben's eyes widen and then close. Devi tries not to panic and instead closes her eyes as well, praying for the first time in a long time.

"Devi," Ben whispers as the footsteps near. "If we die in here, I just want you to know"-

" _Open up!_ " a voice calls as they bang on the door.

Devi's eyes spring open and she sees Ben staring right back at her. Before they can say anything else, the voice speaks again.

"This is Matt, your landlord. The active-shooter alert is gone. We're in the clear. Check your phones."

Ben pulls back from Devi a little to pull out his phone, and she retreats a little as well, trying to breathe deeply. His face changes from panic to confusion to relief as he reads the text, and Devi cheers internally.

"It really is him. I think things are safe now," Ben says, showing her his phone.

Devi smiles and stands up, looking back at Ben for a second with her hand on their doorknob. He nods and she pushes it open.

Their landlord is standing there, looking a tad pissed off but relieved to see them. He takes their contact information down and talks to them a little more about what happened. He promises to keep them updated as new information comes in, and then leaves.

Ben and Devi turn to face each other, and for a second Devi wants nothing more than to rush into his arms, but he remains where he is, so she doesn't move either.

"That was scary," he begins, still looking a tad shook.

"I know," Devi says, fisting her hands by her side.

"I'm really glad you're okay," Ben says back, reaching forward to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.

She wills herself not to lean into his hand and instead nods, trying to smile.

"I thought for a second we were going to-that we would"- he breaks off, breathing heavily.

Devi takes a step forward, trying not to shake. "I know. But it's okay. We're okay."

Ben looks at her for a few seconds before pulling her into his arms. Devi sinks into him, listening to his heartbeat, and realizes she feels whole again.

* * *

Devi is in her thoughts for the next week. She spends her time just _thinking_. With the stress of her exam gone, she feels herself able to concentrate better at work. However, whenever she's not working, she finds herself replaying her moments with Ben in her head. Their first meeting for coffee, their paint battle, watching movies together, taking care of him. The initial anger that she felt when he rejected her had mostly subsided, replaced by sadness and a pitiful longing. If she wanted to be near him before, she wanted it _even_ more now. She resolves to push that thought deep inside and instead spends all of her free time packing to move. Ben doesn't disturb her, even to ask about dinner, and she's starting to think he's given up. Which hurts her heart a lot more than she tells herself it does.

The night before she moves out, Devi decides to move a few boxes to her car so it'll be easier for her in the morning. Fab and Eve had agreed to come over and help the next day, but she wanted the process to be as seamless as possible so she thought she'd get a head start. She grabs a few boxes and walks out her door and down the steps, managing not to trip, unlike last time. As soon as she leaves her building, she hears thunder crack and looks up to see rain falling slowly, but steadily. She curses internally and walks faster, trying to reach her car before she gets too soaked. After pushing the boxes into her backseat, she sighs and leans against the car, realizing she was going to get drenched anyway. After a few minutes of just standing in the rain, letting it pound down on her, she decides to walk back to her apartment. She climbs the stairs, pushes the door open, and stops. Because Ben is standing right there, hands in his pockets, looking at her.

Devi starts to feel a little stupid, standing in front of him in drenched jeans and a white t-shirt, which was probably transparent. Her curls were still sopping wet, and she tried to push them behind her ear so she looked like less of a mess. Ben seemed to take in her appearance if the way he scanned her head to toe was any indication.

"You're moving out?" he asks, voice rumbling almost as deep as the thunder outside.

Devi bites her lip nervously, staring back at him. "Yeah."

His eyes bore into hers now, and she swears she sees them change from turquoise to navy just in a few seconds. He is looking at her so intensely that Devi starts to feel a little scared.

He swallows roughly before he speaks. "Don't."

Devi tilts her head. "What?"

" _Don't_ move out." His eyes are still connected with hers and Devi's world starts to spin slightly.

She crosses her arms over her chest, starting to get a little mad now. "Why not?"

Ben swallows again, taking a few strides until his nose is close enough to almost brush hers. Devi almost gets whiplash from this change in distance, but she schools herself to act normal. She wants an answer. She _deserves_ an answer.

"Because you are the highlight of my day. Every _fucking_ day, the only thing that keeps me going is coming home to you. And I never, ever want that to change. But these past few weeks, coming home and you not being there, not talking to me, not fighting with me over dinner, not joking with me while we do dishes…….it made me realize I can't let you go. Not like this."

Devi struggles to connect words in her brain, but even though this is all she's wanted for so long, she wants to be on the same page as him.

She draws her eyebrows together. "I mean, Ben, this-this is very nice of you to say, but I can't live with you if you don't feel the same way as me. And, um, you know how I feel."

Ben chuckles, starting to smile. " _God_ , David. Don't you pay attention?"

Devi opens her mouth incredulously but Ben stops her by continuing.

" _Of course, I love you_. I've loved you ever since that day at graduation. I just didn't know it. Or maybe I did and I didn't want to accept what it meant."

Devi wants to say she feels fireworks exploding, trumpets blasting, but in reality, it's none of those things. It's more of a slow, soft warmth, that starts in her throat and makes it way through her body, traveling through her arms and legs, and wrapping itself around her heart. She feels at peace, content, and it's all she could ask for.

He steps closer to her and whispers his next question against her lips.

"Move in with me?"

Devi wraps an arm around his neck, and lets herself finally, _finally_ , kiss Ben Gross.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i enjoyed writing this sm! thank u guys for all ur comments and supporting me throughout <333
> 
> also: finishing my second slowburn fanfic for adult ben/devi rlly got me feeling like im almost too obsessed with these two. i already have an idea for another AU with them which i want to look into writing and im like AHHHHH but also happy ab it. lmk if u guys would wanna see it!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading guys!


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